Rollercoaster of a journey

So Sunday was one of my best friend's 30th birthday.  I know most women who turn 30 want big parties, a trip, jewerly or something like that not Courtney.  She wanted roller coasters, games and fun times so we made the plan to go to Six Flags with her family.  As soon as we made the plans I started getting feeling nervous about being able to fit on the rides.  Ever since the Canobie Lake Trip where I couldn't fit on the ride, I just get a panic in my stomach about going to sit on the ride and being asked to get off because I am so big.  Even when we went to Universal Studios it was so hard.  The Harry Potter Ride kicks off people that are too heavy to ride the ride and it was highly publized that people about my weight were kicked off on a regular basis.  So when it came time to go I was just going to sit off the ride.  Meri (my oldest and dearest friend) insisted on me at least trying the test seat out.  The park had just opened so in order to not wait in hour(s) long lines we had to go on then.  So she pulled me over sat me down in the test seat and shoved that bar over my chest and forced it in.  Now at Univeral they have color coded lights that tell you if you are able to go on, kinda like a stop light.  Green you are good to go....Yellow you can ride the ride but have to sit on the outside seat....Red. no ride.  I looked down and see yellow, I can ride! When I got to the front of the line and sat in the seat the person working the ride pushed that bar so hard down on my chest that I couldn't breathe.  It literally took my breathe away.  It was so tight that at the last minute I was trying to get the attendants attention so they could get me out of the seat.  They didnt see me so off we went.  I tried to enjoy the ride as much as I could but found it hard to relax.  

So when the choice was Six Flags I just crossed my fingers and prayed that it wouldn't be a repeat of Universal. Court has had such a hard year that there was no way I could say no to her so I made the choice to go and not even put it out there about nervous I was about the rides.  Kevin knowing me knew I was I scared to try to go test out the seat on Superman.  We got there we went right over to the seat and tested it out.  I saw it had the dreaded light system.  I closed my eyes pulled the bar down. 

"Babe look!" I could tell from his voice that it was a good sign.  Yes, I could fit on the ride.  And every ride that day.  I was so happy going on every ride that I just kept going on them.  Even rides I normally wouldn't I went on just because I could.  Every whip, dip dive and turn that day felt even better just because I felt like I was alive again.  I didn't have to hide or not do things because of my weight.  It was an incredible free feeling that if I could bottle it up and sell it, I'd be rich. 

I think thats the thing about gaining weight.  You loose out on so much of your life and its hard to get it back.  You become hopeless and there really isn't a way out BUT there comes a moment when you wake up and you get your life back.  Whether its to look good in a wedding dress, getting over a bad relationship, loosing the baby weight, loosing a loved one, whatever hurt has a hold on you just know there is something deep inside of you that will give you hope.  Find it.  Recognize it.  Love it.  Embrass it.  Whatever gives you that hope is what will carry you through the hard days, the struggles. 

Thank you to all of you who sent me a personal message.  I loved it and I am going to be writing back to you all very soon.  LOVE YOU!!!!

Getting back on the horse

Anyone can be motivated.  Its staying motivated thats the problem.  As most of you can tell, I took a break from the whole blogging, life style change.  It happened kinda slowly.  I woke up late forgot to make my lunch. Didnt have time after work to prepare dinner.  The Bruins were in the playoffs, lets order out because its easier.  I started playing softball so 4 or 5 beers after the game felt good.  Once you're drinking you need something to eat.  Pizza, fries, chips, the works...

And thats how it happens.  In a blink of an eye I went from 237 to 243 pounds in about a month.  Its so depressing but I promised myself that when I started this whole journey that I wouldn't give up and that I would be honest with all my readers.  I haven't been.  I have been avoiding doing the blog because I wasn't being honest with myself.  Thats how the last 10 years have been.  I wasn't honest with myself about my weight/unhealthy lifestyle so thats how I got to 282 pounds.  So many people have said to me that they could never post how much they weigh or talk about their workouts.   Why? You have to face the facts and own your own health/weight.  Be honest with yourself and those around you.  You'll need people to remind you of your journey when you stop being honest with yourself to get back on track. 

ON A SIDENOTE Thank you to Gail who has been polietly asking me where my blog has been and for KY for coming right out and asking me as I am writing this entry.  I needed it!!!

I started back up this morning doing a bootcamp through Get in Tone with Rindone  It was tough but once I was done, I got that "Skinny Bride" feeling again.  I have that hunger to get my life back on track.  I can't allow things or people to get in my way.  So often we all let ourselves get too busy to take care of ourselves.  My biggest problem is taking care of everyone else around me first and myself last.  I have to learn to say no and I take care of me.  Does anyone else feel this way?

This maybe brief today but I need some motivating words and quotes from as many of you as possible to keep my tires pumped...Leave them here, facebook, send me messages, texts WHATEVER you can so I keep it going!!!!  

Busy Bee

If anyone has tried to ever make plans with me you often here this answer "Oh I think I have __________ to do this day" or "Oh I think I have a sunday afternoon available next month oh wait I don't how about September?" I am constantly busy.  I have been so busy that I haven't been able to write a blog in about two weeks.  Which also means that I haven't been able to dedicate the proper amount of time to working out.  I have stalled out at 45lbs lost.  I keep flip flopping between 239lbs and 237lbs and I am frustrated.  Very frustrated.  I have to make time for me even if there is so much going on around me.  There has to be 30 to 60 minutes out of my day to dedicate to me.  There just has to be.  This is how I got so big in the first place.  I didn't allow myself the time to do things for just me. 
     I guess getting healthy means getting selfish and saying the word "NO"  Its a dirty word but I have to start using it.  I don't need to use the phrase "No, sorry..." It just has to be "NO!" I can't be sorry.  I can't apologize for wanting time for me.  It doesn't mean that I don't love everyone but I have to start loving myself a little bit more.  I want to be able to plan out my schedule around my healthy habits instead of trying to force them in.  It doesn't work that way.  I have to get back to planning out all my meals.  I have to get back to the Biggest Loser game.  I gotta get back to me!  I want to hit 50 pounds and go climb that mountain.  5 - 6 pounds and I am there!!!  I hope I am not the only one who feels like they can't fit getting healthy into their schedules. 

Contest 
I WON! I get to pick a dress from their fall collection and I need to let them know my size and my top three dresses.  If you haven't had a chance yet, the dresses are on my facebook.  I will post a blog about it tomorrow.  So excited.  Thank you to all of you who helped me win the contest.  I am truly blessed to have so many incredible people in my life.

Relay for life

We raised over 95,000 this year and I am so proud to be apart of something so amazing....

Last year

This year...

Random thoughts.

Last Thursday my facebook status read as followed:
I am wondering when this whole karma thing is going to start working in my favor?!?

Friday morning I woke up to find out that I am the finalist to win a gorgeous wedding dress.  I am sure all you know this by now from the flood of status and link updates on facebook. (However if you are just a random reader of my blog or have come across this for the first time go back to the last blog post and read all the details of the contest my sister entered me in to.)   I couldn't believe it when I got a million messages from my sister, Geraldine and others who get up at the ass crack of dawn, to inform me that I was one of the finalist.  My sister's letter was so beautiful and so heart felt I don't know why I was shocked that they picked me to be a finalist.  I guess its the Savioli in me to think we aren't this lucky.  We know that Melissa was a finalist in the wedding contest and that blew up in ALL our faces.  I am just nervous that this too isn't going to end well....I just wish it was Friday at 8pm NOW!

I guess what I realized out of this whole thing is that there are people who are always going to be there and those who show their true colors when things like this come up.  There are people that I never thought would repost the link but did and theres the ones that could care less.  My sister had friends from high school whom she hadn't seen since repost.  ALL of my bridesmaids reposted (as expected) but it was the fact that they each have reached our personally to as many people they could to help me win. My ex boyfriend's family reposted it!  I am overwhelmed by the responses and comments people have left too thats its really put aside the ones that haven't.    All the comments are so amazingly sweet and I almost feel like I don't deserve all this praise.  However, I am so grateful that people think so highly of Kevin and I.  We are truly blessed for you all in our life. 

Weight
So I haven't been as quick to post my weight over the last two weeks. I have had a complete lack of focus these couple of weeks and need a good kick in the ass to get back on track.  I got it today.  Three different people came up to me today and said "Wow you look fantastic"  I was reminded that I do look good and I need to keep looking good.  So I went to aqua size tonight.  Great class. I need a new goal to work towards instead of just dropping pounds.  The roadrace was great but now I feel like I am in need of something else.  Any ideas??

And if you haven't voted  http://wildfireapp.com/fb/127/contests/107417/voteable_entries/20764414?ogn=facebook

Love Story

Almost two years ago I entered my sister Melissa and John in to win a dream wedding thru a radio contest.  I am sure you all are rolling yours eyes remembering the roller coaster of a contest that was.  I think I could have worked for an election committee after that. I harassed people on facebook, stood on street corners on my home town with signs, passed out fliers at my friends family parties, painted cars and even made tshirts to wear to the Rascal Flatts concert. We lost, they called us back said the others were cheating, they had interviews and they lost again...heart break. 

Anyways, I have always joked about how Melissa owes me when its my turn to get married and folks the gauntlet has been thrown down by my big sister.  I posted a link to her page the other day telling her she had four days to enter me in to win a free dress. http://networkedblogs.com/h74zf 

Again, half way joking. Tonight she sent me a copy of the letter she wrote.  It was so beautiful that I had to share it with you. 

*WARNING TEAR JERKER*
( How is that warning for you Pamie and Liz???)

My sister Deanna and her fiance Kevin have been together since 2007.  They met at a local pub and it was love at first sight.  She knew, immediately, that this was the man she was going to spend the rest of her life with.  I didn’t know the moment they started dating, but it wasn’t long after.  Deanna had to have surgery and when I saw how Kevin refused to leave her side while in the hospital, or even at home while in recovery, I knew that he was the one she would spend the rest of her life with. 

Deanna and Kevin take care of everyone around them.  They are both so kind and always thinking of other people before themselves.  They are two of the most loyal friends someone could ask for.  They would both drop anything at anytime, day or night, to help out not only friends and family, but anyone that is need of ANYTHING.  If you need a ride to the airport, a birthing coach, someone to help you carry a couch up a couple flights of stairs, a shoulder to cry on, someone to sit and share a smile with, a pep talk or just someone to listen to you no matter what is going on in their own lives, these are the two people you can count on.

It’s amazing that my sister Deanna was able to find someone that is just as giving as she is.  She has always been such a selfless person, always giving to others and thinking about herself last.  She’s been this way since we were kids.  She would volunteer at the local recreation center every summer as a camp councilor instead of enjoying her days at the beach with friends.  When she graduated from college she decided to take a job at a nonprofit organization (even though it meant less in pay) so she could continue to give back to the community.  She encourages the kids she works with on a daily basis to believe in themselves and to have goals.  She inspires them.  She has assisted many of the teens she has worked with applying for scholarships to college, admissions letters etc. Both she and Kevin volunteer nights at a homework support club.  She’s even decided to have their wedding ceremony at a local church (instead of our family’s church the next town over) so “her kids” could come.   

Not only has she always been selfless, but Deanna has always been a hopeless romantic.  From the time we were kids she knew she wanted the fairy tale.  She always envisioned her future husband to be asking our father for her hand in marriage, her dream proposal moment in Disney World in front of Cinderella’s castle with the fireworks in the sky while she said yes.  She’s always known she wanted to have her wedding at Brooksby Farm in the fall with the New England foliage as a breathtaking backdrop to her beautiful day. I always told her I thought her expectations were too high.  “Be realistic” I told her. There was no man that could live up to all of her expectations.  Obviously I had no idea that there was a Kevin out there just waiting for her. 

Kevin made her first wish a reality when he asked my father for her hand in marriage right before he died.  It was one of the last conversations anyone would ever have with him.  I think my father was able to go peacefully knowing his youngest daughter, his baby, would be well taken care of.  Kevin made her next wish come true in November.  Not only did he pull off her dream surprise proposal on a trip to Disney World, but had secretly booked a tour of her dream reception site, Brooksby Farm, for the day they returned from their trip. 

After seeing how much my sister gives to others it’s so wonderful to know she has a man that would give her the world if he could.  There is nothing he wouldn’t do for her and vice versa.  I admire the strengths that they both have individually, but I am in awe of their strength as a couple.  They are one of those rare couples that are not only head over heels in love with each other, but they truly are each other’s best friends and they make an amazing team.   

With Kevin, my sister has found her Prince Charming.  I would love for her to have her fairy tale wedding gown and I’m hoping you’ll consider being her fairy godmother.

If nothing comes out of this contest, I at least have the most beautiful Love Story written out by one of the most amazing people in my life.  I love you Waka!!!

Emotions get the best of me...

So I just dropped off Kevin at darts in Somerville after we worked the homework club.  I don't have time to eat dinner in between working the Club and Homework Club so by now my stomach is making weird noises because I am so hungry.  Its been a long day and I think I should just grab something quick.  I'm right by Wellington Station so I can swing by Kelly's Roast Beef.  Mmmm Kelly's.  For those of you who don't know Kelly's is my weakness.  Fried Clam plate w/onion rings or Kelly's Hot Dogs with ketchup and onions w/ a nicely toasted bun.  I can feel my mouth watering as I approach the drive thru.  I get up to the screen to order and something just snapped in my head....

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?" I said outloud to myself as I slam my foot on my gas pedtal and get myself out of there as quick as I could.  Four months in and the food cravings are just as bad as they were a year ago.  God, I am so mad at myself.  I am literally talking to myself the whole way home like a crazy woman. 

"What were you thinking?"

"What is wrong with you?"

"I hate myself"

Yup, I hope someone out there is laughing because I would be if I didn't happen to be the crazy one. 

This week has further driven the point home that I am without a doubt an emotional eater.  I find comfort in food when I am having a hard time. As most of you know that I am having a really hard time right now by the blog entry of this morning.  Its not just things with my friend, its alot of things that have left me an emotional wreck this week.  Usually, I would go get Kelly's or Sonic or McDonalds or Burger King or Coldstone....the list could go on.  I would eat the biggest, most unhealthy thing on the menu.  After I would eat, I of course would feel lik crap but it was the food....its wasn't me.  I don't know what to do with my emotions now that I can't eat them away.  I can't run my feelings away.  I end up running way faster than I want to and quit running.  I guess walking isn't a bad idea either.  I usually walk with someone but lately I want to walk late at night so I can't do that either. Its a weird feeling not being to get all my emotions out by ordering a super size number 2.  What do I do? Does anyone have any suggestions?

As always I want to try to at least add a positive note to my blog.  I can't do all bad/negative.  I am down to 238 pounds.  I am officially down 44 pounds.  I have been so emotional that I was so scared to look at the scale.  Thank god, I did.  It gave me the light ray of hope I needed on Sunday morning.  Its crazy to think in a few weeks I could be down 50 pounds.  I think once I hit 50 pounds I am going to go out and celebrate with something big.  Not like a dinner but maybe going to go climb Mt. Washington or something like that.  I will take suggestions (and company with me when I do)

“Turns out not where but who you're with that really matters.”

I know lately I haven't been writing.  I could sit here and make up a thousand excuses of why I haven't but I will be truthful with you all mostly because I swore to that I would be.  So here goes...

This week I have watched one of my best friends go through the hardest thing I think she will ever face.  I mean we've been through so much together.  Both of our fathers passing, her wedding, my engagement,college, house hunting, bad boyfriends( I will take credit for that), job searching, hospital trips (she can take credit for that), practices...I mean the list could go on and on and its only been eleven years since she walked into my life and its seemed that no matter what it was, I could make her laugh.  She could make me see the more logical, less dramatic side of things.  I joke with her and say that we are team mates for life but part of me knows how true that statement is: teammates for life.  Its hard to watch her be so strong for herself and her husband and knowing that every inch of her heart is broken.  I admire her strength and courage to face this head on and with no fear.  I've always loved that about her. 

This week ,however, I can't fix this.  I can't say lets go for a late night Walmart trip and then its okay.  There isn't an easy fix and it makes me feel so helpless.  Its a feeling that I know there isn't a cure for and I am just going to have to face the fact that I can't make this better.  I want to.  This is one of these moments in a friendship that you wish you had a fast forward button or skip option.  I'd give everything to make it all just go away.  I've cried to Kevin about it, saying how it just isn't fair because I know thats it not.  Bad things shouldn't happen to good people but yet here it is happening to two of the most caring, selfless people I have ever met.  I just makes me angry.  It makes me sad and its just not fair.  They say everything happens for a reason...well whats this reason? Why them, why now?

    

     The one positive thing I can take from this: I am so damn lucky that I met some of my most incredible friends during my college years.  It just kinda happened right there in the middle of our classes, practices, student activities, dorms,crazy nights, etc...we became our own family.  I reached out to so many of them over the past week to let them know the news. One of the girls, who I haven't seen in six years (since I graduated really) reached out and asked what she could do.  I think she shared the same feeling I did....teammate for life.  No matter what happens, we would and will always have each other backs.  I have another friend who I literally never know where in the WORLD she is BUTTTT I also know that if I needed her she would be on the first plane out from wherever she was.  The same is to be said about my Cali friend(s) and my friend who used to be a party animal and now is the mother of two beautiful boys.  She'd come running as well.  I could go all night with trying to name them all in the blog.  Man, I am so blessed for them.  As much as we all hurt for our friend, I know she feels comfort in knowing we are all there for her.  We'll pick up the pieces with her.  We'll help them move on.  They'll laugh again.  They'll believe again. 

Where in the world do you find one person let alone the hundreds of friends like that? 

I guess admissions knows what they are doing after all. 

“Even though we've changed and we're all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we're not all still friends.”