"I'm not as good as I once was..."

I played in my first Social Boston Sports Club indoor soccer game tonight.  Geraldine called me a few weeks ago and I asked if I wanted to do it with her.  I thought to myself that this would be such a great way to add more exercise into my routine.  You know something to spice it up so it wouldn't feel like I was doing the same thing over and over again.  Our team sent out lots of great emails to pump ourselves to play.  I even didn't mind the 10:30 time slot.  Playing soccer was going to be another piece of the puzzle that I have been missing to get back to me.

(I am sure you all are waiting for the magic word and here it is) BUTTTTTTTTTTT...
     It didn't.  In fact I got out of soccer tonight, said goodbye to Geraldine, got into my car and just cried my eyes out.  I am jumping way ahead of myself.  Lets rewind to what happened before the tears.  When I pulled up to Turf Time in Woburn today, I saw lots of players going in out of the building.  I first noticed that they all looked in shape both men and women.  In fact, many of the girls looked like there were in soccer shape.  Tiny waists, muscular legs, perfect soccer ponytails ( I am sure someone reading this knows what I am talking about.)  The guys mostly athletic, mostly in shape.  I kept praying there was going to be at least one more "big" person playing in this fun league and there wasn't.  Its so sad that I even tried to prep the team about my weight/fitness level in my emails this week saying things like "oh I am really outta shape" or "its been a very long time since I played."  I don't think any of my new teammates picked up on what I was trying to tell them until they saw me in person. 
  
  I was so nervous to even go out there and play that during a simple warm up I kept messing up playing "one touch"  During our big warm up we had one ball and we all took turns shooting at the goalie.  Standard drill before the game.  When it came to my turn I hummed the ball really hard at the net.  Our keeper had to make a pretty athletic save in order to keep it from the back of the net.  I heard a couple "wows" and "whoas" but what I heard clear as day was "Alright.  I have a little more confidence in our team now."  (said by one of our players)  God that statement drove me insane.  I wanted to turn around and be like "hey buddy, I've played the game, I know what I am doing" but I didn't.  I chose to just show him what kind of player I was.  I am sure you can all feel it coming on again....
  
 BUTTTTTT I didn't.  In fact I think I played the worst soccer game I have ever played.  This including the game in college where my coach had to yell "Hey Dee we run in soccer."  My first touch was horrible. I couldn't keep up.  The only thing that I did right was take some pretty good indirect kicks but even that didn't result in anything positive.  One of the players from the other team told me I had some "crazy services" when we went through the line at the end.  Normally a great compliment like that would make feel even better after a game, tonight it didn't even make me smile.  This is the part where I cried in the car.
  
I cant' believe my big return to the game ended up like this.  I love soccer.  Its one of the first things I can remember ever being good at.  I remember the first time I saw a game.  I loved it and NEEDED to play.  I couldn't get enough of it.  I would play ALL year round.  In the winter I would play basketball  AND soccer even though my high school basketball coach told us we couldn't, I did anyways. I just loved the game.  I had amazing coaches/teammates throughout my career that made the game that much better (accept JFC but that's another story for another blog) Soccer meant the world to me until I stopped playing...now its just a reminder of the person I used to be and it breaks my heart. 
    I guess I am going to have to start back at ground zero with who I think I am.  I have to come up with a description of who I am now instead of comparing myself to who I used to be.  Even when I tried out for the Biggest Loser they asked us to write a few sentence about ourselves.  I wrote " I am a engaged former athlete who works with kids that would like to get on the show to not only help the kids I work with but the future family that I am about to start."   I hate that I referred to myself as a "former" athlete.  It sounds like I have given up on ever being that athlete ever again.  And maybe I am right.  I will never be that girl 10 years ago who could run 3 miles before practice and then be able to practice for 2 hours.  However, I can be that woman who keeps pushing herself to overcome obstacles.  I can be that woman that finishes a road race and doesn't walk the entire time.  I can be that woman who goes back to the SBS next week and does the best that she can.  I can be a lot of great things but mostly I CAN NOT be the weeping mess I was in my car tonight EVER again.


Week # 10 Update:
 2lbs lost this week.  Down -32lbs total.  I am at 250.  Can't wait till I see those "40's" on that scale

I fit into a XL SBS shirt tonight.  Huge victory and something I feel like I should be proud of.