Unanswered Prayers

   When Kevin and I first moved in together he stumbled upon what I would describe as the "guy box"  To the ordinary eye it was just a shoe box but for the more dramatic people (well just yours truly) it was a glimpse into my past and all of my old relationships.   Inside contained old love letters, valentines cards, pictures, movie ticket stubs, tickets, mixed tapes, dried flowers, semi/prom tickets, notes from my locker, "jewelry", etc.  (I am going to stop because I can almost hear Erin groaning as I write this) 

"What is this?"

"Oh dear god.  Okay well I used to keep things from old boyfriends in this box.  Its nothing really"

But for long time that box meant alot more to me than nothing.   It wasn't so much the actual things inside but more like a promise to myself that someday that I'd be that happy with someone again that I would want to keep that moment forever.  I know.  Cheesy.  Dramatic.  But that was me.....I fought so hard to keep relationships with people because of those little moments where things were perfect.  Moments I could keep in that box.  I lost a good friendship that way.  I pushed him too damn hard for too long instead of realizing that the person I was in love with had grown up,moved on.  It was me who needed to do the same thing.  I had to grown up and figure out who I was going to be. I am so thankful that he saw much further down the road then I ever did. 

The worst happened right before I met Kevin.  I had finally hit rock bottom fighting to keep a relationship going with the same guy since college.  We were friends, more than friends, then not speak, phone call later talking again.  There were of course moments that were worthy enough to end up in the "guy box" but those times were few and far between.  It hit me one night at my Halloween party that I just had to end it. He was never the settling down type.   In true Dee fashion it went down in blaze of glory( and for those of you were thinking about my costume, I was a hooters girl that year).  Yelling, crying on Mass Ave  (yup orange shorts tights tube socks and all) followed by Ten Rounds of Jose.  After all that , it was over.  He was gone. For the first time in a very long time I felt like I had picked me.  It felt good. 

Five months later I met Kevin.  I guess I look at it as I had to let go of everything else and everyONE else to allow myself to be truly ready to be loved the way I deserved.  It wasn't easy.  I surprised even myself that night in the Texas Roadhouse when my stomach literally felt butterflies when I spotted Kevin out for Angela's birthday.  I had met him just a week before and had already been talking about him non-stop but when we saw each other that night, I just cant explain it.    I'll never know wether it was fate, wether it was nerves or I was just hungry but when I felt the butterflie I knew from that moment on Kevin was going to be so much more than just a cute boy I met at the Tavern.

Today marks the fourth year since Kevin and I started out on our journey together.  We never knew we would end up where we have.  He has shown me the way to love someone completely and fully without any reservations.  Not each of our days are perfect.  Not every moment is filled with sparks and romance HOWEVER each moment together is better than any moment we could have alone. Garth hit in right on the head when he sang these words

 "so remember when you are talking to the man upstairs, just because he may not answer. Don't mean he don't care.  Some of god's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."

So on this fourth year anniversary I say to thank god for my greatest gift, my best friend, my forever....

Ps. I threw away the "guy box" with everything in it....