Inspiration by Fed Ex

Tuesday was Kevin's day off for the week so we got to share in a rare morning together before I had to go to work when the door bell rang.  I looked at him and said "Are you going to get it?" He gave me the typical 'Dee just asked me to do something I don't want to do but I will do it because its way worse for myself when I don't do it' faces.  I just smile at this point.  He has to realize that for the rest of his life there are going to be many more moments like this....get used to it.

Anyways, he came back in the house all huffy puffy.  Waving his arms around, kinda acting nuts.  I usually ignore this behavior but I was trying to catch the last of Teen Mom 2 so I finally gave in and said "whats your problem" 

"Fed-Ex Dee! FED-EX.  My future wife orders things offline and ships it thru FED-EX" 

"I didn't order anything, I swear"

"Then why does it have your name on it? I work for the USPS and they are cutting jobs left and right and you ship something FED- EX and lie." 

"Babe I swear I didn't order a damn thing. It must be from a wedding vendor.  Give it to me and I will open it."

I opened the package and inside was something that just took me back.  It was a maroon binder filled with recipes.  I mean there are over 100+ in there.  They were also separated into selections like chicken, beef, desserts, etc.  Tucked inside the flap was this amazing poem and I thought I would share it with all my followers. 

Don't Ever Quit

When you've eaten too much and you're feeling quite down,

And you feel like the biggest failure in town.

When you want to give up just because you gave in,

And forget all about being healthy and thin.

So WHAT! You went over your calories a bit,

Its your next move that counts....so don't you dare quit.

Its a moment of truth.  It's an attitude change.

It's learning the skills to get back to your range.

It's telling yourself, "You've done great up till now.

You can take on this challenge and beat it somehow"

It's part of your journey toward reaching your goal

You're still gonna make it, just stay in control.

To stumble and fall is not a disgrace,

If you summon the will to get back in the race

But often in the struggles, when losing their grip.

Just throw in the towel and continue to slip.

And learn too late when the damage is done,

The race wasn't over...they still could have won.

Lifestyle change can be awkward and slow

But facing each challenge will help you grow.

Success is failure turned inside out.

The silver tint in a cloud of doubt.

When you're pushing to the brink, just refuse to submit.

If you bite it, you write it...BUT DON'T YOU DARE QUIT!"

-unknown author.

Below the poem was a sweet message full of inspirational quotes about why I should keep going with their name.  I looked and it was from a former teammate/friend from high school.  I couldn't believe how much work she had done to prepare that and send it to me.  She had reached out before when I first started my blog and she told me about her own struggle.  Her honesty was inspiring.  I always relate weight issues with someone my size up until this point.  She pointed out to me that she too had trouble loosing weight before her wedding and had a very hard time.  It was so encouraging to hear her story.  It was even more meaningful when she sent me her binder full of recipes that helped her get ready for her wedding.  She even went and printed more recipes.  (I could tell from the time stamp on the bottom of some of these recipes)

Its funny because the day before I received my own inspiration,  I had sent my own sort of inspiration to one of my best friends via the mail.  She doesn't live very close and is going thru some personal struggles as well.  I sent her something to cheer her up, watch over her and to let her know that I was thinking of her even though she is so far away.  I can't tell you what a boost it was to know that I had helped her smile and that the very next day someone did that for me. 

I am asking everyone to do something this weekend for someone else. Random Act of Kindness.  Send a letter, make a phone call, send a text, drop off something special to their work, go for a walk with an old friend, etc.  Do it for someone that may need it.  You never know how that little act could change their life for the better. Copy and Paste the poem and send it to someone who may need it.  I know that I did. 

 JUST DO IT!!!!

and for the love of god, if you are sending someone something, please send it via United States Postal Services so that my future hubby doesn't have a melt down again. 

SHIP IT!

Bridezilla

Now I would just like to start this blog by saying I am NOT even close to becoming Bridezilla HOWEVER there are thing with this whole wedding process that are really starting to get me mad.

Caterers
     I don't understand why caterers are so difficult to work with. I am only allowed to pick from five caterers at our venue. We can't bring in anyone else, we've asked.  I think the caterers know that so when they don't get back to me for a week at a time, they think its okay.  I just want to try your damn beef option to figure out if you are the one I want to work with.  I mean I would think they would be jumping at the chance to work with brides.  We are giving them a HUGE amount of money.  I honestly want to feel like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman when I walk into these meetings.  You know the part I am talking about.  She is shopping and has all the women attending to her every need because "Edward" and the store managers convo:
Mr. Hollister: Just how obscene an amount of cash are we talking about here? Profane or really offensive?
Edward Lewis: Really offensive.
Catering companies I am prepared to spend a really offensive amount of money. 

I guess when I say offensive its more offensive to me.  $45 a plate for chicken? Give me a break. The cost of chicken normally and the cost of chicken at a wedding is ridiculous.  I want to punch these people in the face when they look at me straight in the face and try to justify it being a normal price.  Its normal to all you caterers who like to make us poor. Its not normal for the rest of the world.  Anyways, they should be calling/emailing me back right away.  I deserve to be "Viv", dont' I?

Church
I have three choices for church.  St. Clements (my aunts church) Sacred Heart in Cambridge (my father's church) or St Agnes ( Arlington Church)  I thought I should get married at St Agnes merely because kids from the Club can go with their parents to the church.  So many of my kids have asked if they could come to the wedding so I said they could come to the church. So I called the Priest about two weeks ago and I haven't heard back from him. I am going to call the Priest again but I hate the fact that I am nervous about doing so.  My friend Shelia's mom has been so encouraging and telling me I just need to relax about calling the priest.  I know I should just relax but I know how important it is to my mother and that if I screw this up I will never hear the end of it. 

Wedding List
I am having huge guilt over the amount of people I can have at the wedding, who is going to make the final list and the hurt feelings that are going to come when we do make our final selections.  I have to get my list down because of the stupid caterers.  I just don't have the money to invite all the people I want.  In the same sense I really feel like I shouldn't have to invite some of the people on my "have to invite"list either.  I really don't want to invite the people in my family that I know could careless if they are there or not.  The ones that feel like I should go cause its "Joe's Daughter."  I don't know its frustrating and I am sure I am not the only bride who has gone thru this and I won't be the last.

I haven't flipped out and killed anyone yet which I think is impressive.  I keep telling myself that I will not become Bridezilla, I will not become Bridezilla...I hope it works. 

First outdoor run and random thoughts

So Tuesday morning I went for my first run outside.  I don't know if I would call it a fail but I wouldn't call it my best run ever.  I learned the hard way that the treadmill and outdoor runs are two COMPLETELY different runs.  There are so many different factors that went into why I wasn't as successful as I hoped. 

1) Its cold outside.
       My lungs don't do well in cold weather, never have and hopefully someday they will.

2) The ground is uneven.
       Especially after the long winter the sidewalk isn't clear yet.  Beware of branches and potholes.

3) I didn't map out a route
      Before leaving for a run, know where you are going.  This can help set goals along the way such as once you make it to (insert spot here) you can turn around.

I would appreciate any helpful hints from any runners out there!!!

I highly recommend moving to Naples, Florida with my friend Lisa.  She strongly encourages running outdoors with the beautiful outdoor weather.  I think she may even by the beach.  I hate her right now.  I am kinda serious.  I am sick of the cold and I am ready for spring? Anyone else agree?

A few side notes:

I am cooked dinner for Meri, Andrea, Auntie Colleen and AnneMarie tonight.  I made enough chicken for five people.  Does anyone see where I went wrong yet?  I didn't cook for myself.  I am trying so hard with this whole cooking thing but keep making dumb little mistakes like that.  Is there any other Italians out there that can't cook like me?? I had a boyfriend once tell me that he was so lucky to find the ONLY Italian out there that didn't know how to cook.  Its true HOWEVER I have been trying really hard to learn how to cook and to cook healthy.  My sister and brother in law keep asking when they are going to be invited over but I am too nervous to invite them over yet.  I know I will make another major screw up and they will never let me live it down.

I started a walking club with the kids at work.  I was so sick of sitting there every afternoon BEGGING kids to go up to the gym.  Do kids really go outside anymore? We used to run around the neighbor playing for hours.  My mother had to get one of those Triangles (dinner bell) to call us in for dinner because she didn't want to yell through the neighborhood when it was getting dark out.  Anyways, the kids seem to like it and it gives me another mini work out

I have changed the settings on the blog so that ANYONE can leave a comment.  I didn't realize that I had set it up wrong up until five minutes ago so everyone that keeps telling me that they try to leave comments on the blog, you can now without setting up a blogger account!!! And when leaving comments, can you post your name so that I recognize it? Like my friend Katie or Allison? I love your comments but have alot of Katie's and Allison's in my life.  I can kinda guess who it is but it would help me out!!!

Well enough with my random blog.  Happy Thursday everyone!!!

I get by with a little help from my friends...

I love facebook.  I know most of you who follow this blog get it from my facebook page so you are well aware of my facebook addiction HOWEVER I am finding that facebook has also helped me see that many of my friends have dedicated themselves to either a life of fitness or dedicated themselves to making changes in their own lives.  I thought I would share with you all the people who have inspired me to change my ways...

If you need a trainer
First I want to introduce you to my own personal Jillian Michaels and Bob Harper (Biggest Loser Trainers)
Joe Rindone http://www.tonewithrindone.com/
     Last summer I started going once a week to Joey's bootcamp and I loved it!!! His email tips alone are a great reason to get on his mailing list.  He has many different classes, locations and times that can work for you.  If you need a Bob in your life, Joey is the way to go.

Julie Costa reached out to me to help motivate me to try out for the Biggest Loser. Julie has started her own journey and is now gotten into Fitness competions.  Her dedication to her own health is truly inspiring.  She teaches her own Bootcamp as well onmon & wed nights 8pm at firicano's boxing & fitness center in stoneham ma. There are also boxing, strength & conditioning classes mon, tues & thurs nights 7pm (an intro class is required before participation in a full class)

If bootcamps aren't your thing, try a Zumba class taught by my friend Mark Alker.  You can follow him on facebook at Zumba with Mark or visit http://48368.zumba.com/ .  If you haven't tried Zumba before its a great, fun class to do with friends. I highly reccomend trying it at least once in your life especially with Mark.

If bootcamps, dancing are not your thing...
    Come to the Arlington Boys & Girls Club and use our pool.  I take the Aquasize class with my sisters and neice on Wednesday nights at 7:15pm and its amazingly fun.  If you ask my sister Christine she looks forward to each week.  The water helps you tone your body without the hard impact on your body.  Visit http://www.abgclub.org/ for our adult times and classes. 

If you need advice on eating healthy
follow my friend Ali Fornash.  http://networkedblogs.com/fAiOx  I LOVE what she has to say about everything and is a huge part of why I blog. 

If you need inspiration from people...
I get my inspiration from many of you out there but I have to seriously recognize Rebecca Ingram for giving me the inspiration to be completely honest with my weight loss.  She has lost over 100 pounds and has always put it right out there to the world.  Thank you so much!

Team Dee supporters.  I love you all and I can't believe how much you have all helped me!!!

Do something different, get out there, get healthy!

Case of the Mondays

Tomorrow morning people all over will get up late, miss the bus, forget their gym bags, have a friend call with dinner plans, have their kids get sick, get stuck in traffic, have no energy, have to cook dinner...

And they will say this "Well I will start next Monday"   How many of you out there have said the same thing.  I know I did every Monday for about three years.  My friend Kim and I would make plans to get up nice and early to go to the gym on Mondays since that is our shared day off.  The time would come and we would do the waiting game of who was going to call who first.  I am going to admit there was MANY times Kim called where I'd put the phone under the pillow, leave it on silent or just hit ignore.  (yeah I know I suck as a gym buddy) 

So tomorrow will mark the 13th Monday that I get up and get my ass into gear.  I have to say that its wonderful feeling of just getting done and starting the week off with something checked off my list HOWEVER it doesn't mean you can't start on Tuesday or Wednesday or Thursday or Friday or Saturday or Sunday.  Any day is a good day to start changing your life for the better.  Even if you just get up right now walk around the block a few times that still counts as SOMETHING.  Even yesterday I only ran a mile instead of the full W6D3 25 minute run.  My heart wasn't into it yesterday but you know what it was still something.  Instead of calling up to the gym yesterday at work, I walked up the stairs.  Instead of directing people where the preschool was, I walked down the stairs.  Little changes like that will make a huge difference. 

So I challenge all my "Starting Monday" friends to actually start this week.  Think of it as a Spring Resolution.  A lot of people start the new year off saying this will be the year and don't start on that Monday and blow off the rest of the year.  The new you can start this spring.  Dedicate the next 12 weeks of nice weather, longer days and sunshine to getting yourself on track.  Call a friend go for a walk.  Go for a day trip and park your car far away from your destination and walk to wherever you are going.  Spring is going to be your season. 

On a side note the official stats are in for Winter.  In the season that most people gain weight because they are not as active as the rest of the seasons I have lost a good amount of weight. 

Drum Roll Please

Winter = 37 pounds lost!

My life has changed so much for the better in the last 12 weeks.  I can't believe I am 37 pounds lighter, 100% happier and a blogger.  Thank you for all of you who read this.  I am shocked everytime I look at the page views and see the numbers growing.  The comments/messages that you all have send me are so motivating, please don't stop.   I can't thank you enough!!!!

Unanswered Prayers

   When Kevin and I first moved in together he stumbled upon what I would describe as the "guy box"  To the ordinary eye it was just a shoe box but for the more dramatic people (well just yours truly) it was a glimpse into my past and all of my old relationships.   Inside contained old love letters, valentines cards, pictures, movie ticket stubs, tickets, mixed tapes, dried flowers, semi/prom tickets, notes from my locker, "jewelry", etc.  (I am going to stop because I can almost hear Erin groaning as I write this) 

"What is this?"

"Oh dear god.  Okay well I used to keep things from old boyfriends in this box.  Its nothing really"

But for long time that box meant alot more to me than nothing.   It wasn't so much the actual things inside but more like a promise to myself that someday that I'd be that happy with someone again that I would want to keep that moment forever.  I know.  Cheesy.  Dramatic.  But that was me.....I fought so hard to keep relationships with people because of those little moments where things were perfect.  Moments I could keep in that box.  I lost a good friendship that way.  I pushed him too damn hard for too long instead of realizing that the person I was in love with had grown up,moved on.  It was me who needed to do the same thing.  I had to grown up and figure out who I was going to be. I am so thankful that he saw much further down the road then I ever did. 

The worst happened right before I met Kevin.  I had finally hit rock bottom fighting to keep a relationship going with the same guy since college.  We were friends, more than friends, then not speak, phone call later talking again.  There were of course moments that were worthy enough to end up in the "guy box" but those times were few and far between.  It hit me one night at my Halloween party that I just had to end it. He was never the settling down type.   In true Dee fashion it went down in blaze of glory( and for those of you were thinking about my costume, I was a hooters girl that year).  Yelling, crying on Mass Ave  (yup orange shorts tights tube socks and all) followed by Ten Rounds of Jose.  After all that , it was over.  He was gone. For the first time in a very long time I felt like I had picked me.  It felt good. 

Five months later I met Kevin.  I guess I look at it as I had to let go of everything else and everyONE else to allow myself to be truly ready to be loved the way I deserved.  It wasn't easy.  I surprised even myself that night in the Texas Roadhouse when my stomach literally felt butterflies when I spotted Kevin out for Angela's birthday.  I had met him just a week before and had already been talking about him non-stop but when we saw each other that night, I just cant explain it.    I'll never know wether it was fate, wether it was nerves or I was just hungry but when I felt the butterflie I knew from that moment on Kevin was going to be so much more than just a cute boy I met at the Tavern.

Today marks the fourth year since Kevin and I started out on our journey together.  We never knew we would end up where we have.  He has shown me the way to love someone completely and fully without any reservations.  Not each of our days are perfect.  Not every moment is filled with sparks and romance HOWEVER each moment together is better than any moment we could have alone. Garth hit in right on the head when he sang these words

 "so remember when you are talking to the man upstairs, just because he may not answer. Don't mean he don't care.  Some of god's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."

So on this fourth year anniversary I say to thank god for my greatest gift, my best friend, my forever....

Ps. I threw away the "guy box" with everything in it....




 

A mother's love.

"A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path."

 For the last 11 weeks I have done the same thing.  I wake up.  I annoy Kevin about the fact that I wish our schedule would allow us to spend all day Sunday in bed watching movies. Weigh myself.  Eat some breakfast and do my weekly challenge on the Biggest Loser Game.  I have been kicking ass and coming in first for the last few weeks so I think Kevin secretly enjoys my victory dances around the house.  Then the phone rings without fail every Sunday before 12am and I hear my mothers voice on the other end...

After my last post, I started to think about how I don't mention my mother unless it involves wedding related drama and its about time I mention the other side of her.  She calls every Sunday to check in on me and to see how I am doing.  I know for a long time I told everyone that I was hurt by her constant "reminders" about how much weight I needed to loose but I kinda of enjoy the fact now that she is so invested in my health.  She gets so excited when I tell her how much I have lost even if its 1lb she is still happy for me.  I don't have to call and remind her that its Sunday, she just knows.

Growing up I was totally a momma girl.  She was my best friend.  We did everything together.  I was her "Boo Boo Bear" and happily went everywhere she went.  Then my father left and everything changed.  My mom didn't have the time to go to all my games like she used to.  She had to work.  In fact she worked her ass off to provide for us (Melissa and I)  When it was time for us to take care of ourselves, my grandfather got very sick with Alzheimer's Disease.  My mother being the strong person that she was took care of my grandfather during that time.  She made sure she went to see him on her way home from work every day.  She did all that she could and then some but as I am sure you all know Alzheimer's Disease is just too strong and soon he passed away.

There wasn't a lot of smiles and laughter for a few years until John Pappas came into her life.  When he came along it just made the little light inside of her go back on.  He makes giggle like a school girl.  Its funny cause I don't remember many times that my parents were like that.  I like to think of John as my mother's true soul mate.  They go on 20 mile bike rides in Vermont.  They garden together at Johns beautiful house.  They truly are living the kind of life that I hope Kevin and I will have someday. 

So when she is yelling at me about the need to cut down the list of wedding guests from 240 to 180 or when she asks questions about the caterer dying or tells me I am a fool for having 9 bridesmaids or insists on having a church wedding or tells me she isn't going to help Kevin and I out if I don't ask Melissa to attend EVERY wedding vendor meeting with us or just isn't happy the way I am planning...I am going to think back to the Sunday phone calls, smile and say "Yes, Mom"

"YESSAH BUDDY BOY"

I don't remember the first time I heard it.  It was a pharse I heard my entire life whether it came booming across a soccer field after I scored a goal, from the under an umbrella at my college graduation, when I hit a grand slam to win the game in softball...

"YESSAH BUDDY BOY"

My dad would say that pharse whenever he was really proud of something.  It always came off like half laughter, half yelling.  There was so much pride behind it that if you weren't looking at him, you could hear him smile.  God, I loved hearing that phrase.  He said it a lot to me and I wish I had asked him where on earth did he come up with it.  My family has even taken it upon themselves to say it now.  When I was trying out for the Biggest Loser, I heard my sister call it out as I walked into the try out room.  I haven't told her yet but I needed to hear that right then.  It gave me an extra little boost to go into that room with confidence. I needed it then and I need it now. 

This week I posted a blog about how nervous I was doing Couch25k Week 5 and how I needed to get my weight into the 240's.  I am very happy to report that I have done both!!! (Que: YESSAH BUDDY BOYS NOW) Yup, this girl completed W5D3 and lived to talk about it.  I haven't looked at W6 yet however I am just allowing myself to enjoy this moment.  It was the same with the scale this morning.  Whenever I saw 249 on the scale, I fist pumped with excitement.  I know some of you out there can't ever imagine being excited about weighing 249 but for me this is truly a sign that I can do this.  It may come off pound by pound each week HOWEVER it is still coming off. 

So for the ones that reached your goal this week, went down in a size of pants, struggled but kept going, ran your first 5k this weekend in Somerville, played a much better soccer game this week than last, chose to drink coke zero instead of regular coke, I say...

YESSAH BUDDY BOY

Its a mental thing...

I have been extremely busy lately so my running program has been suffering a little.  Yesterday, I finished W4D3 of C25K.  For those of you who don't know what the hell I am talking about I will so kindly break it down for you.  Week 4, Day 3 of the Couch to 5k program.  The program takes you thru 3 runs for 9 weeks.  It tells you exactly what you are supposed to be doing to get you from the "couch to doing a 5k." I feel like its some kind of secret code when I see someone else post W2D2 or W7D1. Its encouraging to see alot of other people doing the same program I am.   So last night I take a look at W5D1, W5D2 and finally W5D3 and I see this is the week that they kick it high gear.  Well high gear enough for this Wanna Be Skinny Bride.  At W5D3 I have to run 2 miles (or 20 minutes) without stopping.  OH NO!!!!!  I immediately  went into panic mode.  Am I ready? Can I do it? What if I can't? 

     I feel like this is the put out or shut up week. I am also at 250lbs at this present moment.  I got to get into the 240's this week.  Mentally I just have to do this.  I remember when I hit 250 on the way up and I cried.  I want to be in the 240's again (and 230s, 220s, 210s...)  I am tired of seeing my weight in the 250's. Its annoying and frustrating.  This is the week I am doing it.  I know I keep saying week but I am doing the Couch25k runs for the next three days in a row and I have my weigh in on Sunday so for me its still this week.  I am going to kick my own ass this week so that I can get the results I want. 

   I am mentally preparing for the rest of this ass kicking by changing up my workout playlist (also drinking LOTS of water.)  I don't know why but the music I listen to when I am working out plays a huge factor in my performance.  It may come from when I played high school/college sports.  We always had a warm up and its just made me that much more ready to play.  With a heavy heart, I took off the Scissor Sisters (I don't feel like dancing) Katrina and the Waves (Walking on Sunshine) and all the other "happy fun songs" This week it has to be more about ass kicking and less about making myself feel happy when I run.  The "happy" feeling will come after I finish my run. 

Heres the playlist for those of you who are wondering
Loose yourself (Five minute warm up song)
Standing outside the fire by Garth Brooks.  (a quick stretch)
Bodies by Drowning Pool  (this is the song I start my work out with because I get all my anger out the first few minutes so I can focus)
Welcome to the Jungle by Guns and Roses (Kev knows why)
Nothin' But A good Time by Poison
Desire by U2
Elevation by U2
X is Gunna Give to Ya - DMX ( Don't ask I am weird about my rap)
Till I Collapse by Eminem
Enter Sandman - Metallica
All Fired Up by Pat Benatar.  (Finish Line Song)

The last song "All Fired Up" is my last song EVERY time I workout.  I feel like when I end on the same song it gets my mentally prepared to finish strong.  I push myself faster and harder because I know at that point that there isn't much more time to get it done.  Its a great idea for those of you who listen to music during your workouts.  Time your play lists to put a "power" song on in the middle/end of your workout so that when you think you can't do it you can.

And by the way for all you Catholics out there I gave up being tough on myself for Lent.  For the next 40 days I am going to be more positive about myself.  My sister and fiance said I should give up facebook for Lent but you all know that can't happen! Happy Thursday!!!




         

"I'm not as good as I once was..."

I played in my first Social Boston Sports Club indoor soccer game tonight.  Geraldine called me a few weeks ago and I asked if I wanted to do it with her.  I thought to myself that this would be such a great way to add more exercise into my routine.  You know something to spice it up so it wouldn't feel like I was doing the same thing over and over again.  Our team sent out lots of great emails to pump ourselves to play.  I even didn't mind the 10:30 time slot.  Playing soccer was going to be another piece of the puzzle that I have been missing to get back to me.

(I am sure you all are waiting for the magic word and here it is) BUTTTTTTTTTTT...
     It didn't.  In fact I got out of soccer tonight, said goodbye to Geraldine, got into my car and just cried my eyes out.  I am jumping way ahead of myself.  Lets rewind to what happened before the tears.  When I pulled up to Turf Time in Woburn today, I saw lots of players going in out of the building.  I first noticed that they all looked in shape both men and women.  In fact, many of the girls looked like there were in soccer shape.  Tiny waists, muscular legs, perfect soccer ponytails ( I am sure someone reading this knows what I am talking about.)  The guys mostly athletic, mostly in shape.  I kept praying there was going to be at least one more "big" person playing in this fun league and there wasn't.  Its so sad that I even tried to prep the team about my weight/fitness level in my emails this week saying things like "oh I am really outta shape" or "its been a very long time since I played."  I don't think any of my new teammates picked up on what I was trying to tell them until they saw me in person. 
  
  I was so nervous to even go out there and play that during a simple warm up I kept messing up playing "one touch"  During our big warm up we had one ball and we all took turns shooting at the goalie.  Standard drill before the game.  When it came to my turn I hummed the ball really hard at the net.  Our keeper had to make a pretty athletic save in order to keep it from the back of the net.  I heard a couple "wows" and "whoas" but what I heard clear as day was "Alright.  I have a little more confidence in our team now."  (said by one of our players)  God that statement drove me insane.  I wanted to turn around and be like "hey buddy, I've played the game, I know what I am doing" but I didn't.  I chose to just show him what kind of player I was.  I am sure you can all feel it coming on again....
  
 BUTTTTTT I didn't.  In fact I think I played the worst soccer game I have ever played.  This including the game in college where my coach had to yell "Hey Dee we run in soccer."  My first touch was horrible. I couldn't keep up.  The only thing that I did right was take some pretty good indirect kicks but even that didn't result in anything positive.  One of the players from the other team told me I had some "crazy services" when we went through the line at the end.  Normally a great compliment like that would make feel even better after a game, tonight it didn't even make me smile.  This is the part where I cried in the car.
  
I cant' believe my big return to the game ended up like this.  I love soccer.  Its one of the first things I can remember ever being good at.  I remember the first time I saw a game.  I loved it and NEEDED to play.  I couldn't get enough of it.  I would play ALL year round.  In the winter I would play basketball  AND soccer even though my high school basketball coach told us we couldn't, I did anyways. I just loved the game.  I had amazing coaches/teammates throughout my career that made the game that much better (accept JFC but that's another story for another blog) Soccer meant the world to me until I stopped playing...now its just a reminder of the person I used to be and it breaks my heart. 
    I guess I am going to have to start back at ground zero with who I think I am.  I have to come up with a description of who I am now instead of comparing myself to who I used to be.  Even when I tried out for the Biggest Loser they asked us to write a few sentence about ourselves.  I wrote " I am a engaged former athlete who works with kids that would like to get on the show to not only help the kids I work with but the future family that I am about to start."   I hate that I referred to myself as a "former" athlete.  It sounds like I have given up on ever being that athlete ever again.  And maybe I am right.  I will never be that girl 10 years ago who could run 3 miles before practice and then be able to practice for 2 hours.  However, I can be that woman who keeps pushing herself to overcome obstacles.  I can be that woman that finishes a road race and doesn't walk the entire time.  I can be that woman who goes back to the SBS next week and does the best that she can.  I can be a lot of great things but mostly I CAN NOT be the weeping mess I was in my car tonight EVER again.


Week # 10 Update:
 2lbs lost this week.  Down -32lbs total.  I am at 250.  Can't wait till I see those "40's" on that scale

I fit into a XL SBS shirt tonight.  Huge victory and something I feel like I should be proud of.