90 days to beautiful

I don't know when my obsession with weddings started.  I think I can blame it on my sister Christine.  I was the flower girl in her wedding when I was five years old.  She had this huge wedding with all our family, friends.  I remember staying up most of the night dancing the night away right along with the rest of my sisters and my dad.  She had this huge beautiful dress with a cascading bouquet of flowers that I swear went all the way to the ground.  Her dress had these enormous shoulders that puffed up as high as her cheekbones.  Long, lacy sleeves.  A skirt that flowed out like Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty.  Looking back it reminds me of Princess Di's dress.  (Give her a break it was the 80's and certainly in style.)Being so young I can remember just being in awe of the way she looked and more importantly I was in awe of the entire wedding.  I knew than from that day on  that I wanted to have a day just like it. 

Flash forward 25 years later  and 25 weddings attended while dating Kevin,  I am planning my own special day.  As must of you know one of the most important moments is going to be stepping into that dress and turning around, seeing myself in that mirror for the first time.  I have envisioned the whole thing.  The people around me, the dress, the moment and its all coming so soon.  I am in a panic to think I am going to turn around and not like what I see: a woman standing there in the mirror who looks nothing like the woman I dreamed of 25 years ago. 

So I've set myself up with a 90 day deadline.  Yup I have given myself a deadline now.  In 90 days I am going try on dresses for the first time.  I have been to David's Bridal with the girls looking for dresses and each time I have made my way over to the wedding gown section and just looked.  The women that work there always ask...

 "Do you want to try something on?"

"No no no not yet!"  I say like its the worst thing they could have suggested to me.  Like they were handing me a bowl of Brussels sprouts.  I mean really most girls would jump at a chance to try on dresses. If you asked me five years ago I would have tackled someone to get to try on a dress.  Now its one of the scariest things I can imagine. But I gotta have faith that I'll make it through the next 90 days and reach another milestone.  Its gonna be hard.  Thanksgiving, my birthday, the holidays and the anniversary of my dad's passing.  Its going to be the hardest 90 days of this journey but I gotta strive, I gotta push and be that woman in the dreams of that wide eyed 5 year old Deanna. 

Update: I did loose 3lbs over the last week and half and I haven't done anything close to what I am capable of.  So move outta my way the pain train is pulling into a station near you! (So stupid but hey whatever works right?)

Like father like daughter...

A couple of weeks ago I got a message from an old friend and teammate  asking the "where the HELL is your blog"  I had to laugh because she perferenced the message with saying that she was channeling her father when she said it.  Her father was an old coach of mine from growing up and when I re-read that sentence it was like I could hear him saying it.  He always pushed me to do things that I didn't think I could do.  I will never forget the day he threw me in goal for the first time indoor soccer.  I was in 8th grade and had only really played foward/striker up until that point.  I remember looking at him being like "Are you serious?"  He looked at me and said "I think you're crazy enough to do it" And he was right, like almost always he was.  (I would never admit that to him lol)  He took so much time with me when I made the switch from forward to goalie firing soccer balls at my face, kicking balls at me while standing two feet away, telling me to suck it up when I would get the wind knocked out of me.  He was hard on me but always had a high five and a "good job kiddo" at the end of the of practice. 

He also taught me a hard lesson that I have carried with me for a long time.  It was an early morning game back in 8th grade and there had been a dance the night before.  All of us were exhausted and kind of cranky.  I, like most of my teammates, were complaining how early it was to play a soccer game and how we didn't want to play.  Well Mr. Oliver and Mr. Kiely were not happy at all to hear that in fact they came over really pissed off.  Mr.Oliver came over and talked to us about how he was picking the people who were leaders each game to be the captains for the day.  He also went on about how dissappointed he was in us that we were complaining about playing and if we didn't want to play our parents were across the field and we could have them drive us home.  He picked his three captains and of course I wasn't one of them.  As we walked to the sideline he stopped me and said "Dee you would have been one of those people.  You are always a leader.  You are always focused but today you let me down.  Get your head in the game and lets play."  Wow! I remember those words refocused me and got me ready for my game.  I NEVER wanted to let him down like that ever again. I had to show up to each and every game game ready. 

Its funny to think about this "lesson" now and compare it to my weight loss journey.  I have certainly complained alot about how hard this is and I let myself down about the lack of progress over the last few months.  Mr.Oliver was right.  I am a leader and I need to refocus my efforts.  I need to approach my journey in game mode with my game face on. (insert other cheezy quote here) I want to purchase my wedding dress in February so I will need all "the coaches" I can get.  So thank you Katie for reaching out and reminding me that I needed to get back into game.  I appreciate you being a constant supporter and a great friend. 

Ps. (Ky & Mauren I appreciate the messages about the blog as well)

There's gotta be something more...

"Where have you been?"

"Whats going on with the Blog?"

"How is your journey going?"

"Have you gotten your dress?"

Let me catch you up to speed on whats been going on in my life since I last wrote...

For starters my exercise has gone down dramatically since I changed my schedule back to working nights.  You would think I would be able to get rolling in the morning and start my day off with a good workout.  It doesn't happen at all. Lately, I have been waking up out of my bed and moving myself right to my couch.  I stay on the couch till the very last minute I have to get ready for work and then I rush myself to get to work at 11am or 1pm.  Its kinda pathetic that I tell myself I can't find time to exercise when I have all morning to do it.  I'm angry at myself for being so lazy. 

I have started drinking soda again. I find myself really tired so I grab a coke zero and throw it back to get some caffeine in me.  I remember how hard it was to kick the soda habit back when I started this journey and now I am back to my one coke in the afternoon habit.  Its gross.  I can feel the way it affects my body.  I am not drinking enough water and my body is screaming at me about it.  I woke up the other night with one of those leg cramps you get when you are dehydrated.   I am sure when I say one of "THOSE" leg cramps someone out there knows what I am talking about.  It feels like my muscle is tearing away from the bone and my leg is going to burst from the spasm.  I can still feel 3 days later.  Ouch!

At home I am sure most of you read that Kevin's dad died.  We've been doing alot of running around so planning meals has been thrown out the window.  Many fast food trips to get something quick.  I can't even blame Kevin cause he isn't eating much. He isn't talking much. He's doing alot of putting on a strong face in front of everyone else and a lot of hurting at home.  People who know me know that I wear everything on my sleeve so when my partner in life handles things the complete opposite it leaves me feeling like I should be doing so much more...I didn't go on my trip to California because of the services and wanting to be there for my in-laws.  There was no question in my head of where I should have been.  Some people have asked me why I didn't at least go for the last part of the week or still go at all? I couldn't believe it when people even suggested it.  Kevin was a rock when my dad passed and even though he doesn't "need" me, I had to be there in case he did. 

So now I am left feeling like I need something more.  More exercise, more water, more dedication, more time for myself, more determination, more ANYTHING.

Anyone know where I can find it?

“The only real failure in life is the failure to try.”