Rollercoaster of a journey

So Sunday was one of my best friend's 30th birthday.  I know most women who turn 30 want big parties, a trip, jewerly or something like that not Courtney.  She wanted roller coasters, games and fun times so we made the plan to go to Six Flags with her family.  As soon as we made the plans I started getting feeling nervous about being able to fit on the rides.  Ever since the Canobie Lake Trip where I couldn't fit on the ride, I just get a panic in my stomach about going to sit on the ride and being asked to get off because I am so big.  Even when we went to Universal Studios it was so hard.  The Harry Potter Ride kicks off people that are too heavy to ride the ride and it was highly publized that people about my weight were kicked off on a regular basis.  So when it came time to go I was just going to sit off the ride.  Meri (my oldest and dearest friend) insisted on me at least trying the test seat out.  The park had just opened so in order to not wait in hour(s) long lines we had to go on then.  So she pulled me over sat me down in the test seat and shoved that bar over my chest and forced it in.  Now at Univeral they have color coded lights that tell you if you are able to go on, kinda like a stop light.  Green you are good to go....Yellow you can ride the ride but have to sit on the outside seat....Red. no ride.  I looked down and see yellow, I can ride! When I got to the front of the line and sat in the seat the person working the ride pushed that bar so hard down on my chest that I couldn't breathe.  It literally took my breathe away.  It was so tight that at the last minute I was trying to get the attendants attention so they could get me out of the seat.  They didnt see me so off we went.  I tried to enjoy the ride as much as I could but found it hard to relax.  

So when the choice was Six Flags I just crossed my fingers and prayed that it wouldn't be a repeat of Universal. Court has had such a hard year that there was no way I could say no to her so I made the choice to go and not even put it out there about nervous I was about the rides.  Kevin knowing me knew I was I scared to try to go test out the seat on Superman.  We got there we went right over to the seat and tested it out.  I saw it had the dreaded light system.  I closed my eyes pulled the bar down. 

"Babe look!" I could tell from his voice that it was a good sign.  Yes, I could fit on the ride.  And every ride that day.  I was so happy going on every ride that I just kept going on them.  Even rides I normally wouldn't I went on just because I could.  Every whip, dip dive and turn that day felt even better just because I felt like I was alive again.  I didn't have to hide or not do things because of my weight.  It was an incredible free feeling that if I could bottle it up and sell it, I'd be rich. 

I think thats the thing about gaining weight.  You loose out on so much of your life and its hard to get it back.  You become hopeless and there really isn't a way out BUT there comes a moment when you wake up and you get your life back.  Whether its to look good in a wedding dress, getting over a bad relationship, loosing the baby weight, loosing a loved one, whatever hurt has a hold on you just know there is something deep inside of you that will give you hope.  Find it.  Recognize it.  Love it.  Embrass it.  Whatever gives you that hope is what will carry you through the hard days, the struggles. 

Thank you to all of you who sent me a personal message.  I loved it and I am going to be writing back to you all very soon.  LOVE YOU!!!!

Getting back on the horse

Anyone can be motivated.  Its staying motivated thats the problem.  As most of you can tell, I took a break from the whole blogging, life style change.  It happened kinda slowly.  I woke up late forgot to make my lunch. Didnt have time after work to prepare dinner.  The Bruins were in the playoffs, lets order out because its easier.  I started playing softball so 4 or 5 beers after the game felt good.  Once you're drinking you need something to eat.  Pizza, fries, chips, the works...

And thats how it happens.  In a blink of an eye I went from 237 to 243 pounds in about a month.  Its so depressing but I promised myself that when I started this whole journey that I wouldn't give up and that I would be honest with all my readers.  I haven't been.  I have been avoiding doing the blog because I wasn't being honest with myself.  Thats how the last 10 years have been.  I wasn't honest with myself about my weight/unhealthy lifestyle so thats how I got to 282 pounds.  So many people have said to me that they could never post how much they weigh or talk about their workouts.   Why? You have to face the facts and own your own health/weight.  Be honest with yourself and those around you.  You'll need people to remind you of your journey when you stop being honest with yourself to get back on track. 

ON A SIDENOTE Thank you to Gail who has been polietly asking me where my blog has been and for KY for coming right out and asking me as I am writing this entry.  I needed it!!!

I started back up this morning doing a bootcamp through Get in Tone with Rindone  It was tough but once I was done, I got that "Skinny Bride" feeling again.  I have that hunger to get my life back on track.  I can't allow things or people to get in my way.  So often we all let ourselves get too busy to take care of ourselves.  My biggest problem is taking care of everyone else around me first and myself last.  I have to learn to say no and I take care of me.  Does anyone else feel this way?

This maybe brief today but I need some motivating words and quotes from as many of you as possible to keep my tires pumped...Leave them here, facebook, send me messages, texts WHATEVER you can so I keep it going!!!!