How do you eat an elephant?

One bite at a time...

I read this quote this last night on an article from Active.com and it took a few minutes for me to get it.  How do you eat an elephant...one bite at a time.  Wait for it....OHHHHHHH yea.  I think I have been looking at this whole journey all wrong.  I have been trying to "eat the elephant all in one bite" and not taking everything one step at a time.  I've been trying to overhaul my life and change everything in.  My diet, my workout, my schedule, work, etc.  It is all too much to change at once and anyone that thinks that they can do that is crazy.  Changing the little things in your life will give results that you need.  For example a few weeks ago I ordered a smaller pair of jeans for the first time with a gift card I got for my birthday. I was worried that they wouldn't fit.  I put them on not only did they fit they were a little loose! Over the last month I have been going to the bootcamp and I haven't dropped huge numbers on the scale (6lbs to be exact) BUTTTTTT I am know fitting into smaller jeans again.  So while its not the elephant its certainly a big bite out of it!


On a side note Mother I am eating better so at Christmas Eve when I have an extra bit of fill in the blank  with random yummy food, I have earned it and I don't want to hear a word about it.  

Everyone else please have a Merry Christmas and the happiest of New Year.

Crushing it!

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP. 5:30am. Snooze button. BEEP BEEP BEEP snooze button.  BEEP BEEP BEEP. Kevin shaking my shoulders "Babe its time to get up!" Ugh. Kevin walks out of the room and leaves the light on so I have to get up.  I hate him this early in the morning.  I throw on my workout clothes.  Splash water on my face and put my hair into this mess of a bun onto of my head.  I look at myself in the mirror and say to myself "Why do you need to get up this early?"
    I arrive at bootcamp and there is Matt ready and pumped up to go.  How does he have this much energy this early.  He tells me he gets there at 5:15am to set up for our 6am class and I know he's not kidding.  He is the type of trainer that gets excited about crazy things like burpies and throwing medicine balls against walls.  I feel the more I groan about something, the more he likes it.  So I've learned to not groan as much.  He gets the class going by pure motivation and very often he uses the phases "Crush it" I laughed at him the first time i heard it.  Crush it! Just sounds so California surfer but I've grown to really like it - CRUSH IT.  I've taken the phrase on as a personal morning mantra. I need to push myself.  I have gone to bootcamp two weeks in a row and I am down 5lbs.  I am eating healthy again.  I drink more water.  I am going to hit my goals and I am going to crush my weight.  I'm still not back to my weight I was before I gave up on my journey but I'll get there. 
     As much as I hate mornings I feel so much better for getting it out of the way. Its 730am and I have already drank one of my 32oz of water, worked out and had the most fabulous breakfast.  (By the way Yo plait makes a pre-made smoothie now that you just have to add milk and blend. FAN FREAKING TASTIC) But I have already crushed it for the day while most people have gotten up and just gone to work.  So as much as I hate mornings.  I hate where my body is at more.  And that is going to be what makes me crush it until I am back to Dee. 

The Christmas Spirit

Tis the season...right? It starts in October with the first radio station to give up their airways to the 24 hours of Christmas music.  Then the ads and coupons start pouring in.  Thanksgiving comes with many thanks and then its time to getting ready for the early morning shopping.  Then it comes so quickly but there are cars with trees strapped to the top of them driving past. Christmas party invites come fast and furious.  People's houses are lit up by lights and lawn ornaments.  Every day there is a new card in the mail from a loved one.  All of a sudden its Christmas. 
     For me, its hard time of year.  I do my part by going to the parties, smiling, shopping, the works but deep down there is a bit of sadness that comes with this season.  Almost nine years ago I lost my grandfather two days before Christmas.  He was sick for quite sometime.  I was in college at the time and never knew how bad he was getting.  I was lucky enough to be home from college in time for me to say goodbye.  At the same time that year, my dad was in the hospital.  He was so sad being in the hospital for the holidays.  So my sister Melissa and I took fake snow and wrote on the sidewalk outside his window "Merry XMAS Big Joe" so when he looked out he would see it.  I remember him calling in the nurses and telling anyone who would listen that his girls had done that for him.  I've never seen a father so proud in my life to see his daughters break the law.  After that year, h e always seemed to be not his best at Christmas.   and then right around this time 2 years ago is when my father started to get worse. 
     So its been hard getting in the spirit holiday...that was till this weekend.   Saturday morning I went over and saw my niece before work.  She was her usual bouncy, funny little girl.  They had just decorated the tree the night before and she was eager to show me her favorite ornament.  She then started to talk about how Santa was coming really soon.  There is nothing like hearing a child get excited about Santa coming for the first time and truly understanding what that means.  Right after I left Alice is was off to the Club.  Our annual Christmas tree sale was going on as soon as I arrived.  The smell of Christmas filled my nose as soon as I opened my car door.  All day people were in and out buying trees and it felt good to say "Have a merry Christmas" as I handed each person their receipt.  They were all just so happy to be starting their Christmas season with a tree from the Club.  I couldn't help but feel the Christmas spirit. 
    That was until kids from the Club didn't get picked up until 5:30ish from the Club.  Half hour after we close causing me to be half hour behind my getting ready schedule to go to the Nutcracker.  I of course spent the next half hour running around my apartment freaking out about time. Not being able to fully get ready myself.  By the time we got to Tim and Danielle's house I was in a panic.  As soon as I walked in Tim asked if I wanted a glass of wine and it worked like a charm.  I was back in the mode again. When we arrived at the Opera House we walked in and it was decked out from floor to ceiling in beautiful Christmas decorations.  Little girls were dressed up in the prettiest dresses and they were so wide eyed and excited about seeing the Nutcracker for the first time.  It was so touching to see them that it brought me back to the first time I saw it.  And that Christmas spirit filled me again.
     If that wasn't enough I spent part of my day with Kevin and his friends on Sunday.  One of his friends was trying to decorate his place for his fiance that is out of the country 2 weeks.  They spent the day debating lights and wreaths and colors.  I had never seen any of them put such effort into trying to capture the holiday spirit like these three guys.  It was heartwarming to see how big of deal it was to them to get it right, to make it perfect.  By the time they were done (10pm) they were so proud of their work it was beyond adorable .
    I am going to try to keep this holiday spirit going this year.  Its been an incredible start and I couldn't be more thankful for that.  I am a lucky girl and I am looking forward to the holiday this year. 

90 days to beautiful

I don't know when my obsession with weddings started.  I think I can blame it on my sister Christine.  I was the flower girl in her wedding when I was five years old.  She had this huge wedding with all our family, friends.  I remember staying up most of the night dancing the night away right along with the rest of my sisters and my dad.  She had this huge beautiful dress with a cascading bouquet of flowers that I swear went all the way to the ground.  Her dress had these enormous shoulders that puffed up as high as her cheekbones.  Long, lacy sleeves.  A skirt that flowed out like Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty.  Looking back it reminds me of Princess Di's dress.  (Give her a break it was the 80's and certainly in style.)Being so young I can remember just being in awe of the way she looked and more importantly I was in awe of the entire wedding.  I knew than from that day on  that I wanted to have a day just like it. 

Flash forward 25 years later  and 25 weddings attended while dating Kevin,  I am planning my own special day.  As must of you know one of the most important moments is going to be stepping into that dress and turning around, seeing myself in that mirror for the first time.  I have envisioned the whole thing.  The people around me, the dress, the moment and its all coming so soon.  I am in a panic to think I am going to turn around and not like what I see: a woman standing there in the mirror who looks nothing like the woman I dreamed of 25 years ago. 

So I've set myself up with a 90 day deadline.  Yup I have given myself a deadline now.  In 90 days I am going try on dresses for the first time.  I have been to David's Bridal with the girls looking for dresses and each time I have made my way over to the wedding gown section and just looked.  The women that work there always ask...

 "Do you want to try something on?"

"No no no not yet!"  I say like its the worst thing they could have suggested to me.  Like they were handing me a bowl of Brussels sprouts.  I mean really most girls would jump at a chance to try on dresses. If you asked me five years ago I would have tackled someone to get to try on a dress.  Now its one of the scariest things I can imagine. But I gotta have faith that I'll make it through the next 90 days and reach another milestone.  Its gonna be hard.  Thanksgiving, my birthday, the holidays and the anniversary of my dad's passing.  Its going to be the hardest 90 days of this journey but I gotta strive, I gotta push and be that woman in the dreams of that wide eyed 5 year old Deanna. 

Update: I did loose 3lbs over the last week and half and I haven't done anything close to what I am capable of.  So move outta my way the pain train is pulling into a station near you! (So stupid but hey whatever works right?)

Like father like daughter...

A couple of weeks ago I got a message from an old friend and teammate  asking the "where the HELL is your blog"  I had to laugh because she perferenced the message with saying that she was channeling her father when she said it.  Her father was an old coach of mine from growing up and when I re-read that sentence it was like I could hear him saying it.  He always pushed me to do things that I didn't think I could do.  I will never forget the day he threw me in goal for the first time indoor soccer.  I was in 8th grade and had only really played foward/striker up until that point.  I remember looking at him being like "Are you serious?"  He looked at me and said "I think you're crazy enough to do it" And he was right, like almost always he was.  (I would never admit that to him lol)  He took so much time with me when I made the switch from forward to goalie firing soccer balls at my face, kicking balls at me while standing two feet away, telling me to suck it up when I would get the wind knocked out of me.  He was hard on me but always had a high five and a "good job kiddo" at the end of the of practice. 

He also taught me a hard lesson that I have carried with me for a long time.  It was an early morning game back in 8th grade and there had been a dance the night before.  All of us were exhausted and kind of cranky.  I, like most of my teammates, were complaining how early it was to play a soccer game and how we didn't want to play.  Well Mr. Oliver and Mr. Kiely were not happy at all to hear that in fact they came over really pissed off.  Mr.Oliver came over and talked to us about how he was picking the people who were leaders each game to be the captains for the day.  He also went on about how dissappointed he was in us that we were complaining about playing and if we didn't want to play our parents were across the field and we could have them drive us home.  He picked his three captains and of course I wasn't one of them.  As we walked to the sideline he stopped me and said "Dee you would have been one of those people.  You are always a leader.  You are always focused but today you let me down.  Get your head in the game and lets play."  Wow! I remember those words refocused me and got me ready for my game.  I NEVER wanted to let him down like that ever again. I had to show up to each and every game game ready. 

Its funny to think about this "lesson" now and compare it to my weight loss journey.  I have certainly complained alot about how hard this is and I let myself down about the lack of progress over the last few months.  Mr.Oliver was right.  I am a leader and I need to refocus my efforts.  I need to approach my journey in game mode with my game face on. (insert other cheezy quote here) I want to purchase my wedding dress in February so I will need all "the coaches" I can get.  So thank you Katie for reaching out and reminding me that I needed to get back into game.  I appreciate you being a constant supporter and a great friend. 

Ps. (Ky & Mauren I appreciate the messages about the blog as well)

There's gotta be something more...

"Where have you been?"

"Whats going on with the Blog?"

"How is your journey going?"

"Have you gotten your dress?"

Let me catch you up to speed on whats been going on in my life since I last wrote...

For starters my exercise has gone down dramatically since I changed my schedule back to working nights.  You would think I would be able to get rolling in the morning and start my day off with a good workout.  It doesn't happen at all. Lately, I have been waking up out of my bed and moving myself right to my couch.  I stay on the couch till the very last minute I have to get ready for work and then I rush myself to get to work at 11am or 1pm.  Its kinda pathetic that I tell myself I can't find time to exercise when I have all morning to do it.  I'm angry at myself for being so lazy. 

I have started drinking soda again. I find myself really tired so I grab a coke zero and throw it back to get some caffeine in me.  I remember how hard it was to kick the soda habit back when I started this journey and now I am back to my one coke in the afternoon habit.  Its gross.  I can feel the way it affects my body.  I am not drinking enough water and my body is screaming at me about it.  I woke up the other night with one of those leg cramps you get when you are dehydrated.   I am sure when I say one of "THOSE" leg cramps someone out there knows what I am talking about.  It feels like my muscle is tearing away from the bone and my leg is going to burst from the spasm.  I can still feel 3 days later.  Ouch!

At home I am sure most of you read that Kevin's dad died.  We've been doing alot of running around so planning meals has been thrown out the window.  Many fast food trips to get something quick.  I can't even blame Kevin cause he isn't eating much. He isn't talking much. He's doing alot of putting on a strong face in front of everyone else and a lot of hurting at home.  People who know me know that I wear everything on my sleeve so when my partner in life handles things the complete opposite it leaves me feeling like I should be doing so much more...I didn't go on my trip to California because of the services and wanting to be there for my in-laws.  There was no question in my head of where I should have been.  Some people have asked me why I didn't at least go for the last part of the week or still go at all? I couldn't believe it when people even suggested it.  Kevin was a rock when my dad passed and even though he doesn't "need" me, I had to be there in case he did. 

So now I am left feeling like I need something more.  More exercise, more water, more dedication, more time for myself, more determination, more ANYTHING.

Anyone know where I can find it?

“The only real failure in life is the failure to try.”



Just try it

So as promised I got back on the sattle again! I had such a great success with the Couch to 5k program that I thought why not do it again.  I got my gym bag ready, sporty outfit on, hair in a perfect workout pony tail (yes sometimes my work out mood can and is determined by my ponytail.  Don't judge.) And I headed off to the Boys & Girls Club.  In order to save money for the wedding I have chosen to use the Club gym as my gym of choice.  For my wallet this is a great idea but for my workouts, it can be a little tough.  Imagine putting a treadmil in the middle of your office and trying to workout.  Parents and kids everywhere.  Someone always there to have a converstation with.  I bet you understand a little more what I mean when you invision yourself working out where you work. 

Today, however, I made eye contact with as few people as possible as I entered the building.  I only made some form of communication with my friend Kim as she worked the front desk.  I am glad that she understood my almost military like hand signals that I was going up to the gym and that I'd talk to her (and everyone else) I put my head down and made it to the gym succesfully without talking to a single sole.  I began my workout and couldn't believe how great it felt.  I had debated starting the C25k program halfway thru but I said to myself you have to build a base of success in order to achieve your goals.  In other words baby steps. 

In the program the first week starts out with 20 minute workout where you jog for 60 seconds and then walk for 90 seconds.  I started out going 6.0 for jogging and then brought it down to 3.5 for my walks.  When I went to go back to a run, I slipped up and went 6.5.  I thought in that split second "just try it"  Success.  I walked.  Time to jog again.  My fingers hit the speed up to 6.7.  Again, I was like "just try it" This happened a few more times until I was at 7.5 speed for the day.  I'm not sure what a fast speed is on the treadmil, I'm sure I sound like a total turtle but I was so proud of myself.  All those feelings of success came flooding back to me.  It felt great. And I am hooked again.  YESSAH BUDDY BOY!

With that said I am challenging any of my followers that have not done a 5k to start training this week or next week. I will find a race for us to run in or we can just go for our own run.  I want other people that have said they can't to "just try it" and see what happens.  Make a pledge to join my "team" of runners as we get healthy and back on track.  Whose with me?

Cry me a river

Currently, I am sitting on my couch watching the Biggest Loser Season 12 opener.  For those who don't know when I first started this journey, I was given the opportunity to try out for the Biggest Losere. If I made it this would have been the Season that I would have been on. At first, I thought I was not going to watch it.  I didnt want to feel like a bigger failure not making it on the show and not having hit a weight loss goal in a long time.  Something told me I had to put it on and I am so glad that I did. Watching these contestants struggle during their first workouts brings me back to January when I started this whole thing.  I was like them.  I couldn't climb stairs without loosing my breath.  I couldn't run for more than 30 seconds at a time.  I was a 282 pound woman nearing 300 pounds rapidly.   I know exactly where these people have been because I was there....and still am.



In case you needed a visual



As each contestant tells their story, I cry. I mean full out huge tears.   As I am wiping my face, I am getting even more upset with myself for not wearing water proof mascara.  I got up to look at myself in the mirror and I look like LC for The Hills.  I also broke down when one of the contestants lost her father to conjestive heart failure.  She said one of the biggest reasons why she was on the show was so she wouldn't end up like her dad and that was what she said during her interview.  It hit so close to home for me because like Becky, I don't want to end up like my father. I want a full healthy life. 

At this point I am thankful that its Kevin's dart night so I can have this emotional breakdown without the "Jesus why are you crying NOW" comments.  Its just a wave of emotion that is taking over me right now.  I am happy that I am not where these people are but I am mad that I could be so much further along in this journey.   I have to do better and be better for alot of reasons but mostly I have to keep moving forward.   I maintaned this summer.  Great.  Summer is over.  This wedding is getting closer (391 days whose counting.) My endline is coming closer and I am not even halfway there yet.  So here I am again.  Restarting this journey with a renewed faith in myself and my goal of becoming a skinny bride for my October 2012 wedding. Along the way I will be sharing my ups and downs about planning my wedding and changing my unhealthy lifestyle. 

 

Mulligans

Kevin and I have been fighting.  Yes, fighting about every little thing on the face of the planet.  I'm sure if you have been around us lately you've seen it or heard the ridiculousness

" The girls should have two straps or no straps for their dresses" - Kevin

" Are you kidding me? You don't care about anything about the wedding but you care about their straps" - Dee

"Yes" - Kevin

"Well thats just dumb and they are getting whatever they want" -Dee

" Our XBOX got red ring...we need to get a new one" - Kevin

" Seriously? We have a wedding to pay for and you care about XBOX? You don't care about the wedding.  You don't care to be in this relationship.  Why are we getting married?" -Dee (thats the cliffnotes version of that fight.  Amanda Poste has a recording via a butt dial if you would like to hear the real fight)

Oh yes. We have reached that point in our relationship and in wedding planning that we are totally stressed out.  Well me more than him but if everyone knows us then then know if I am stressed out, Kevin is stressed out.  I know you all are going to read this and tell me that I need to just remember its one day and so forth.  I can't help that I worry about every little detail.  I keep thinking and rethinking every idea that I have.  Of course Kevin's response to everything is... "Whatever you want Dee"    I have grown to hate that statement.  It just means that whatever choice has to be made, its made by me.  If it doesn't work out.  Its Dee's fault.  Not our fault.  Again, I know most men don't help with wedding planning so I shouldn't get worked up but I'm just stressed out...

So to say that today was a much needed "date day" would be an understatement We call the rare days we have off together and have nothing to do, date day.  Today's date day took us up to Brooksby Farm (the place where we are having a reception.) We brought a picnic lunch up there and sat out by the farm stand and ate.  We talked about all the things we were excited about for the wedding. We laughed and smiled a bit.  He made fun of me when I said I wanted to have a hayrides for our guests.  Looking back on it now, its kinda over the top, like he said.  We then went shopping inside the farm stand for fresh fruits and veggies.  We picked up some yummy things for our kitchen.  We even picked up some cider donuts, a favorite of ours.

After our great lunch we made our way to where we had our first date, Richardson's Ice Cream/Golf Country.  The first time we went there I came out the victor.  I expected the same result to happen again.  I was wrong.  Very wrong.  I was down by 14 and I hit the ball a little harder than I should.  I guess you could call it pouting.  The ball went flying into the water way.  I chased it down and thought I saved it but it by me before I could pick it up.  The water was moving rather quickly and it seemed my efforts were a lost cause.Then out of the corner of my eye I see Kevin leaping over the stone bridge and onto the next hole.  He then threw himself down (kinda looked like a belly flop) and got to the ball just in time before it went into the little pond of lost balls.  He held it up victorious...

"We'll call that one a mulligan"  He said with a wink with soaking wet left pant leg from his adventure.  

Some how over the next few holes I caught up to just five strokes behind.  I know that he missed very easy shots especially on the last hole.  I got a hole in one while he somehow got a six.  He swears he doesn't know what happen to him on the last hole but I know he was just being sweet.   He is just that kind of guy.  He does little things to make me smile.  He may not be an overly romantic, flower buying, expensive dinner kind of guy.  He may not be the 'I like this centerpiece more than that one', let me help you make this choice for the wedding, kind of guy.  He is ,however, the guy who will give me a mulligan when I clearly don't deserve it.  When I look back years from now its going to be those things that make me remember why I love him.  And I'll be one happy girl. 

Not so sweet summertime.

This summer got the best of me....

I didn't really loose this summer or gain this summer...

I haven't written in my blog in weeks...

I am feeling like a slacker.

There I said it. All the things I avoided saying to you all that have been following this journey.  Its not easy being able to say you failed especially to the world but I had to say it.  Many people hide from failure.  I know I do.  I hate saying to you all that the Skinny Bride fell off the wagon a bit. I can say just a bit because I did wake up twice a week and do bootcamp (thank god.)  I didn't know how to put it out there that the "motivated one" wasn't so motivated anymore.  Everyone kept telling me I have all this time to my wedding to stop worrying about the little details but folks we are getting close to the year mark and I know its time to really buckle down. The little detail of my not so little body is a huge deal to me.  I have basically until February to order my dress.  6 months! Its time to turn it up, burn it up and get this body to wear it needs to be. 

Looking to start a walking group, a challenge of some sort with friends...I don't know something to get other people motivated along with me.  Anyone have any suggestions or want to join me?

It's go time people...


ps. so proud of Lauren Puff for starting her own Blog even thought she hasn't shared it with the world yet.  Its witty, funny and honest.  Can't wait to read more.  (Yea I called you out)

Overachiever

I am not a fan of anything before 7am.  So when my alarm goes off at 5:15am every Tuesday and Thursday for bootcamp, I'm not exactly jumping out of bed ready to take on the day.   Don't get my wrong, I love my bootcamp.  Bootcamp has been what has helped me maintain my weight loss all summer while eating pretty much whatever I want.  However, I usually love bootcamp after I leave.  I am usually pumped up and want to take on the world.  Its getting there thats the problem. I fumble around the apartment looking for my water bottle that I am holding.  Then I can't find my keys that are always on the hook right before by the door.  Lets not forget the selection of the tshirt.  I must put on 4 different shirts before I am ready to go.  I'm not really into matching workout clothes, its more delaying leaving for camp. Then its the mad dash to get there because I live two minutes away from bootcamp and I think I leave myself exactly 2 minutes to get there. Then start the texts and facebook messages from my two friends Amanda and Jenn (who I convinced them to join bootcamp)now stalk me in the morning if I am not there by 5:55am.  They have started leaving me messages at 11pm saying "YOU BETTER BE THERE" So then when I wake up I know that I HAVE to go or I will catch the biggest bunch of you know what from them during softball. 
     Speaking of Amanda and Jenn, we are kinda those girls at Bootcamp.  We always workout in the same group and we are always the ones laughing the entire time (well when we can breathe) One of our trainers told us he was going to separate us. We laughed at him but kept working out.   Dont get me wrong, we work hard in our group.  Its not all joking around.  In fact, I always joke and call Jenn "Overachiever" because when the trainer says jog, she sprints. Which then makes Amanda sprint so Jenn doesn't beat her.  I can't be the ONLY one not doing it so then I have sprint and soon enough we are pushing ourselves way more than we would have.  So at the end of bootcamp, I am thankful for my overachiever friend. 
     I think everyone should have an overachiever friend(s) like Jenn and Amanda.  Its not easy loosing weight or changing your lifestyles.  You have to surround yourself with people that will motivate you and support you on your hard days.  Geraldine is my non-workout overachiever in my life.  She keeps reminding me of my "bucket list" and wants to check off my bucket list with me.  She was the one that was like "Buy your ticket to San Fran NOW" I love it! Find your overachiever in your life and hang out with them as much as possible.  They will be the one you want to celebrate with and they'll celebrate right back with you! Theres no such thing as being an overachiever when it comes to getting healthy.  Remember that!   You can do it and you can't do it alone.  You really can't.  You may think you can keep it a secret  from everyone around but in the long run you will be more successful when you don't go at it alone.  Go out and get your overachiever!

And of course I would like to wish one of my overachievers a very happy birthday!!!






   

It never fails...

This morning while getting ready for bootcamp I came across my "Yessah Buddy Boy" t-shirt and thought I should throw it on. For those of you who forgot or missed that post, I had a tshirt made for the road race that I ran with a saying that my dad used to say.  I've been missing my dad recently (well everyday.)  Its not that crying myself to sleep kinda of missing but more of I just wish I could call him up and talk to him missing.  So I thought the shirt would give me an extra boost.
    Right before we started bootcamp this morning a woman came up to me and was like "Oh I came across your blog and love it.  I think we have a few mutual friends."

"Oh thank you"

"But there's more.  Was your father a Cambridge Police officer, Joe Savioli?"

"Yes, I'm his youngest."

"Oh my family knows him..." And she went on to talk about how her husband family grew up around the my sisters.  Before we could finish the convo our trainer was ordering us to begin camp. 

It never fails when I need it someone out of nowhere comes up to me and says "Was your dad Joe Savioli?"  They always have such great things to say about him and it makes me feel like he is here still with me, that the world hasn't forgotten about him.  I mean if you knew my dad you would know that I don't think people could EVER forget him.  He just had this good time personality and people just adored him.  I remember as a kid that everywhere we went he knew SOMEONE.  We never went anywhere that someone didn't come up and say "Joe good to see you!" and shake his hand.  My stepmother said once that out of all my sisters that I had my dad's personality the most.  I always took that as a compliment. 

So as this journey continues I feel his support even though he is gone.  I'm sure my new bootcamp friend has no idea how that little 2 minute convo made my entire day and really helped me get through a tough class.  Thank you!

On a side not I'm heading to San Fran this October.  My friend Lauren Puff (WHO HASN'T STARTED HER OWN BLOG AND NEEDS TO) has been saying for forever that I should come see her.  I made tons of excuses why not to go but finally Sunday night I said "Why not?!?"  Kevin and a few friends have offered to pay for it for my birthday present which is incredible.  I will get to cross off a whole bunch of things on my "Bucket List" that I made after my dad passed.  I feel a little bit closer to him everytime I check something off and find no other perfect way to ring in my 30th.  Loving it and loving life!

Dear Jacob

Dear Jacob,
    I am so excited to finally meet you.  Its been a long 9 months talking to your mom's belly, waiting for you to come out.  Your mom is a fantastic woman who has been my best friend for half of my life.  We've experienced so much with each other.  She was there for me during the rough middle school years where everything with dramatic. She was my teammate when we won championships in high school.  She stood in the pouring rain for my college graduation and helped Uncle Kevin plan the perfect proposal and much more.  I must say though out of all our experiences YOU have been the greatest one.  I went with mom to the doctors alot when they were checking up on you. One day she asked me to come back in the room with her and I got to hear your heartbeat.  It was so fast and strong.  Mommy then asked me and Auntie Andrea (along with Daddy and Nay Nay) to go to the doctors to find out if you were a boy or girl. Auntie Andrea thought you were a girl for sure but I knew better.  I did a little fist pump when we found out you were going to be a boy.  Mostly because I was right and Auntie Andrea was wrong.  (You'll see that alot in your life buddy.  Auntie Dee doesn't like to be wrong EVER)

While we are talking about your Aunties, I bet your confused about how you have so many Aunties and Uncles.  I promise not everyone in the world is named Auntie and Uncle.  I know it seems that way because almost everyone you've met so far has been called that.  You were just born into a crazy little "family" full of friends who are family and family that are friends.  There isn't much that we don't do together or tell each other.  Get used to it!  You'll probably go on your first date and myself, Auntie Andrea and Auntie Erin will just happen to be at the same movie.  Ask your "cousins" Krysta and Lexi.  They'll tell you.

Your mom and dad (you too) have a pretty incredible  real family but I must say your fake family is   awesome too.  It was incredible to be in the room with Auntie Jill and Auntie Kristyn last night too.  The four of us used to cause alot of trouble back in the day.  Its just great to see that we have just as many laughs as we did back in junior high.  You'll love going to see them in Rhode Island and hopefully I will have made it down there by the time you can actually read this. 

Make sure you call Auntie Andrea auntie first.  You're her first niece or nephew and she is really excited about it.

Auntie Erin is going to drag you to the beach, pools and she will try to be more tanned than you each summer. Just let her think she will win this competition.  We know your Spanish side will come out especially during the summer.

Uncle Chris is going to put you in skates before you can walk (that is if Auntie Tishy doesn't do it first.)

Daddy and Uncle Kevin and the rest of your family want you to play football so lets get on that.  We want you to sign with the Patriots in Season 2032.  ( Don't listen to Uncle Tyrone either lol)

You're a pretty lucky guy even if you are only 36 hours old.  I can't wait to watch you grow up and be a part of your life.  Be good to your Mom and love her lots.  She is this incredibly sweet, understanding, caring woman that has always been there for me so take that into consideration when she puts you in time out.

 Just remember when in doubt/.... you can call me your favorite Auntie or Skinny Auntie!

Love you to the Moon and back,
Auntie Dee

Summer time Blues

I love hot dogs.  I mean I REALLY love hot dogs.  A perfectly toasted bun, ketchup and chopped raw onions..my mouth is watering just thinking about it.  Of course a little scoop of macaroni salad on the side helps make the meal.  Oh wait you say there is corn on the cob please pass the butter, salt too.  I need a drink now...perfectly chilled Sam Summer, don't mind if I do.  Don't forget ice cream later.  Its so hot out ice cream would be perfect!  I must not forget the amazingly awesome fried seafood options during the summer.  Fried clams, steamers, lobster ALL served with perfect onion rings or fries.  I wait all year long for the delicious taste of summer.  Beach, cookouts and fried food equals my heaven...

Wait but it wasn't supposed to be like that this summer.  I was supposed to just keep loosing weight like I was and be down to 50lbs+  lost remember? Skinny Bride was conquer the world this summer and make it look easy.  People told me that winter was the hardest time to loose weight, boy were they wrong.  Spring and Summer have been the hardest to keep up with my schedule of workouts and healthy eating.  The winter there are no softball games twice a week.  In the winter I work till 7pm or 9pm and no one is out doing fun things.  They are home in bed trying to stay warm.  Workouts in the morning were easy because I wasn't getting ready to go to the beach or cookouts etc. 

I must say I haven't fallen off the Skinny Bride train completely.  I am doing a great boot camp in the morning with my friend Jenn and Amanda.  Its a great way to start my Tuesday/Thursday mornings.  I feel good about myself after I do the class.  I have a free pass if anyone wants to try it. Message me for details.  I am also throwing in tiny workouts during camp.  I park the van further away from  our destination or we go hiking or walk around for at least half hour.  I had a parent say to me "I don't know what you are doing during camp but PLEASE keep doing it.  She is exhausted every night." 

So from this point on this Skinny Bride is going to pick up a notch again and start to get some ass.  Grabbing the bull by the horns (whatever they say) I am currently at 41 pounds since this journey began.  4lbs+ from the best weight I have had so far along the journey.  I am hitting 50+ by labor day.  9lbs.  I think this will help me kick my summertime blues and get me ready for fall. 

I love my scale...today

At my morning bootcamp today my trainer brought out the most horrible machine.  When he took it out all the women in my class rolled their eyes, moaned and backed away.  Yup, you guessed it he took out a scale.  I couldn't believe the reaction that some people had in this class to a scale. 

"No way am I getting on that THING!"

"You want to weight us?"

"My sneaker are too heavy, I can't do it today"

"I am not mentally prepared to do this"

Our trainer than said "None of you guys are going to weigh in?"

I stepped up and I was like "Sure why not" I had weighed myself before I went to bootcamp for the first time in a week or so.  I was nervous that my 4th of July bender that I went on (btw there is no need for a almost 30 year old woman to live it up like she is in college EVER)  would have made a huge difference but I was actually back down to 241.  So when I stepped up at bootcamp I was confident.  I really didn't see the big deal.  We are all signed up for a bootcamp to exercise.  Why wouldn't these women want to weigh themselves? The reaction I got when I was quick to volunteer was also priceless. 

"You're really going to weigh in?"

"Yup"

When the scale said I had gained 5 pounds back, I was kind of shocked.  I immediately started making excuses for my weight.

 "I have my sneakers, I weigh myself in the buff."

"I just drank a ton of water..."
In my defense all of those things are true HOWEVER when I got back home I ran to the scale, threw off my sneakers and everything else and weighed myself and saw that I lost about . 4 from sweat. 

The scale is your worst but best friend to have along your journey.  It tells you when you are doing well.  It will show you the reality of not keeping to your plan.  Love your scale even on the hard days.  So you've gained weight, it happens.  You didn't loose a single pound and have been working your ass off just know the next time you get on the scale it will be better.  So don't let your scale sit in the corner in your bathroom or hide it in closet.  Spend some extra money on getting a good scale it will be worth it in the end. 

Remember your scale is the first thing to tell you how well you are doing on your good days.  So scale I promise to love you a little bit more each day along the journey.  Have you loved your scale today?



I just have to congratulate one of my readers and childhood friends Lindsey Carney for her tremendous weight loss of 29 pounds.  Keep up the amazing work kiddo so close to 30!

THAT friend

Yesterday was a friend of mine's birthday.  I sent the official facebook birthday wishes and told him I missed him.  A typical message for someone you haven't talked or have seen in awhile.  In fact I haven't seen him since he moved to a Caribbean Island for work.  Today I got a message back from him telling me thanks for the birthday wishes, he missed me too and update my blog.  Update my blog? I got taken back by the message because I didn't think many of my male friends really read this thing.  Its nice to know that my hard work isn't just recognized by the ladies but some of you boys as well. 
    It got me thinking about how jealous I am of his opportunity to live the island life for 2 years. He wakes up with a cool ocean breeze flowing thru his windows, palm trees everyday and I am sure he wears a million of those Hawaiian shirts while enjoying the local rum.  Doesn't that sound just amazing? He is now in that category of people that can throw out in causal conversation about this incredible time in their lives. I have a few friends that can have convo's like that...

"...that remind of the time I went back packing through Europe"

" Oh Paris is one of my favorite cities"

"When I flew to Hong Kong on business a few weeks ago"

" Oh I just hopped on a train and ended up in Spain for the weekend."

"Yea I moving from Seattle to San Fran all by myself just because I love the city.  I don't have a job but hey it will work out"

You all have a least one of these friends.  I LOVE these kinds of friends.   I don't get to talk to them as much but when I do they always have some kind adventure. Some of them should start their own blogs and share them with alot more people besides me.  (yes Lauren Puff I am talking about you.)  It makes me long for my own adventure though.  I wonder how my life would be different if I became one of these people who just had the guts to pack and go.  See the world.  Climb mountains.  Get lots of stamps in your passport (I don't even own a passport)  I know I've talked about crossing things off my bucket list but I feel like I haven't done much about it.  I'm only turning 30 in November but I feel like I haven't done much of anything.  Maybe its a not so mid life crisis or maybe its more than that...

   Getting healthy makes you want more out life simply because you can do more. Ever since being able to fit on the rides again, zipping up a size smaller jeans, climbing stairs without loosing my breathe, etc I want more out of life.  For anyone who is heavier and reading this for support, I know you understand the feeling of wanting more.  This "wanting" is something that you have to let be your motivation through the tough workouts, early mornings/late nights, cravings and weak moments.  We all have them.  I want more out of life and from this point on, I going to do my very best to make sure that I take advantage of each opportunity I have.  No matter if I have taken a minor set back in my journey.  No matter how little amount of weight I have put back on.  I want to loose the weight.  I want more out of life and I am not looking back.

How about that for an update? (Thank you for the much needed kick in the ass)   

Rollercoaster of a journey

So Sunday was one of my best friend's 30th birthday.  I know most women who turn 30 want big parties, a trip, jewerly or something like that not Courtney.  She wanted roller coasters, games and fun times so we made the plan to go to Six Flags with her family.  As soon as we made the plans I started getting feeling nervous about being able to fit on the rides.  Ever since the Canobie Lake Trip where I couldn't fit on the ride, I just get a panic in my stomach about going to sit on the ride and being asked to get off because I am so big.  Even when we went to Universal Studios it was so hard.  The Harry Potter Ride kicks off people that are too heavy to ride the ride and it was highly publized that people about my weight were kicked off on a regular basis.  So when it came time to go I was just going to sit off the ride.  Meri (my oldest and dearest friend) insisted on me at least trying the test seat out.  The park had just opened so in order to not wait in hour(s) long lines we had to go on then.  So she pulled me over sat me down in the test seat and shoved that bar over my chest and forced it in.  Now at Univeral they have color coded lights that tell you if you are able to go on, kinda like a stop light.  Green you are good to go....Yellow you can ride the ride but have to sit on the outside seat....Red. no ride.  I looked down and see yellow, I can ride! When I got to the front of the line and sat in the seat the person working the ride pushed that bar so hard down on my chest that I couldn't breathe.  It literally took my breathe away.  It was so tight that at the last minute I was trying to get the attendants attention so they could get me out of the seat.  They didnt see me so off we went.  I tried to enjoy the ride as much as I could but found it hard to relax.  

So when the choice was Six Flags I just crossed my fingers and prayed that it wouldn't be a repeat of Universal. Court has had such a hard year that there was no way I could say no to her so I made the choice to go and not even put it out there about nervous I was about the rides.  Kevin knowing me knew I was I scared to try to go test out the seat on Superman.  We got there we went right over to the seat and tested it out.  I saw it had the dreaded light system.  I closed my eyes pulled the bar down. 

"Babe look!" I could tell from his voice that it was a good sign.  Yes, I could fit on the ride.  And every ride that day.  I was so happy going on every ride that I just kept going on them.  Even rides I normally wouldn't I went on just because I could.  Every whip, dip dive and turn that day felt even better just because I felt like I was alive again.  I didn't have to hide or not do things because of my weight.  It was an incredible free feeling that if I could bottle it up and sell it, I'd be rich. 

I think thats the thing about gaining weight.  You loose out on so much of your life and its hard to get it back.  You become hopeless and there really isn't a way out BUT there comes a moment when you wake up and you get your life back.  Whether its to look good in a wedding dress, getting over a bad relationship, loosing the baby weight, loosing a loved one, whatever hurt has a hold on you just know there is something deep inside of you that will give you hope.  Find it.  Recognize it.  Love it.  Embrass it.  Whatever gives you that hope is what will carry you through the hard days, the struggles. 

Thank you to all of you who sent me a personal message.  I loved it and I am going to be writing back to you all very soon.  LOVE YOU!!!!

Getting back on the horse

Anyone can be motivated.  Its staying motivated thats the problem.  As most of you can tell, I took a break from the whole blogging, life style change.  It happened kinda slowly.  I woke up late forgot to make my lunch. Didnt have time after work to prepare dinner.  The Bruins were in the playoffs, lets order out because its easier.  I started playing softball so 4 or 5 beers after the game felt good.  Once you're drinking you need something to eat.  Pizza, fries, chips, the works...

And thats how it happens.  In a blink of an eye I went from 237 to 243 pounds in about a month.  Its so depressing but I promised myself that when I started this whole journey that I wouldn't give up and that I would be honest with all my readers.  I haven't been.  I have been avoiding doing the blog because I wasn't being honest with myself.  Thats how the last 10 years have been.  I wasn't honest with myself about my weight/unhealthy lifestyle so thats how I got to 282 pounds.  So many people have said to me that they could never post how much they weigh or talk about their workouts.   Why? You have to face the facts and own your own health/weight.  Be honest with yourself and those around you.  You'll need people to remind you of your journey when you stop being honest with yourself to get back on track. 

ON A SIDENOTE Thank you to Gail who has been polietly asking me where my blog has been and for KY for coming right out and asking me as I am writing this entry.  I needed it!!!

I started back up this morning doing a bootcamp through Get in Tone with Rindone  It was tough but once I was done, I got that "Skinny Bride" feeling again.  I have that hunger to get my life back on track.  I can't allow things or people to get in my way.  So often we all let ourselves get too busy to take care of ourselves.  My biggest problem is taking care of everyone else around me first and myself last.  I have to learn to say no and I take care of me.  Does anyone else feel this way?

This maybe brief today but I need some motivating words and quotes from as many of you as possible to keep my tires pumped...Leave them here, facebook, send me messages, texts WHATEVER you can so I keep it going!!!!  

Busy Bee

If anyone has tried to ever make plans with me you often here this answer "Oh I think I have __________ to do this day" or "Oh I think I have a sunday afternoon available next month oh wait I don't how about September?" I am constantly busy.  I have been so busy that I haven't been able to write a blog in about two weeks.  Which also means that I haven't been able to dedicate the proper amount of time to working out.  I have stalled out at 45lbs lost.  I keep flip flopping between 239lbs and 237lbs and I am frustrated.  Very frustrated.  I have to make time for me even if there is so much going on around me.  There has to be 30 to 60 minutes out of my day to dedicate to me.  There just has to be.  This is how I got so big in the first place.  I didn't allow myself the time to do things for just me. 
     I guess getting healthy means getting selfish and saying the word "NO"  Its a dirty word but I have to start using it.  I don't need to use the phrase "No, sorry..." It just has to be "NO!" I can't be sorry.  I can't apologize for wanting time for me.  It doesn't mean that I don't love everyone but I have to start loving myself a little bit more.  I want to be able to plan out my schedule around my healthy habits instead of trying to force them in.  It doesn't work that way.  I have to get back to planning out all my meals.  I have to get back to the Biggest Loser game.  I gotta get back to me!  I want to hit 50 pounds and go climb that mountain.  5 - 6 pounds and I am there!!!  I hope I am not the only one who feels like they can't fit getting healthy into their schedules. 

Contest 
I WON! I get to pick a dress from their fall collection and I need to let them know my size and my top three dresses.  If you haven't had a chance yet, the dresses are on my facebook.  I will post a blog about it tomorrow.  So excited.  Thank you to all of you who helped me win the contest.  I am truly blessed to have so many incredible people in my life.

Relay for life

We raised over 95,000 this year and I am so proud to be apart of something so amazing....

Last year

This year...

Random thoughts.

Last Thursday my facebook status read as followed:
I am wondering when this whole karma thing is going to start working in my favor?!?

Friday morning I woke up to find out that I am the finalist to win a gorgeous wedding dress.  I am sure all you know this by now from the flood of status and link updates on facebook. (However if you are just a random reader of my blog or have come across this for the first time go back to the last blog post and read all the details of the contest my sister entered me in to.)   I couldn't believe it when I got a million messages from my sister, Geraldine and others who get up at the ass crack of dawn, to inform me that I was one of the finalist.  My sister's letter was so beautiful and so heart felt I don't know why I was shocked that they picked me to be a finalist.  I guess its the Savioli in me to think we aren't this lucky.  We know that Melissa was a finalist in the wedding contest and that blew up in ALL our faces.  I am just nervous that this too isn't going to end well....I just wish it was Friday at 8pm NOW!

I guess what I realized out of this whole thing is that there are people who are always going to be there and those who show their true colors when things like this come up.  There are people that I never thought would repost the link but did and theres the ones that could care less.  My sister had friends from high school whom she hadn't seen since repost.  ALL of my bridesmaids reposted (as expected) but it was the fact that they each have reached our personally to as many people they could to help me win. My ex boyfriend's family reposted it!  I am overwhelmed by the responses and comments people have left too thats its really put aside the ones that haven't.    All the comments are so amazingly sweet and I almost feel like I don't deserve all this praise.  However, I am so grateful that people think so highly of Kevin and I.  We are truly blessed for you all in our life. 

Weight
So I haven't been as quick to post my weight over the last two weeks. I have had a complete lack of focus these couple of weeks and need a good kick in the ass to get back on track.  I got it today.  Three different people came up to me today and said "Wow you look fantastic"  I was reminded that I do look good and I need to keep looking good.  So I went to aqua size tonight.  Great class. I need a new goal to work towards instead of just dropping pounds.  The roadrace was great but now I feel like I am in need of something else.  Any ideas??

And if you haven't voted  http://wildfireapp.com/fb/127/contests/107417/voteable_entries/20764414?ogn=facebook

Love Story

Almost two years ago I entered my sister Melissa and John in to win a dream wedding thru a radio contest.  I am sure you all are rolling yours eyes remembering the roller coaster of a contest that was.  I think I could have worked for an election committee after that. I harassed people on facebook, stood on street corners on my home town with signs, passed out fliers at my friends family parties, painted cars and even made tshirts to wear to the Rascal Flatts concert. We lost, they called us back said the others were cheating, they had interviews and they lost again...heart break. 

Anyways, I have always joked about how Melissa owes me when its my turn to get married and folks the gauntlet has been thrown down by my big sister.  I posted a link to her page the other day telling her she had four days to enter me in to win a free dress. http://networkedblogs.com/h74zf 

Again, half way joking. Tonight she sent me a copy of the letter she wrote.  It was so beautiful that I had to share it with you. 

*WARNING TEAR JERKER*
( How is that warning for you Pamie and Liz???)

My sister Deanna and her fiance Kevin have been together since 2007.  They met at a local pub and it was love at first sight.  She knew, immediately, that this was the man she was going to spend the rest of her life with.  I didn’t know the moment they started dating, but it wasn’t long after.  Deanna had to have surgery and when I saw how Kevin refused to leave her side while in the hospital, or even at home while in recovery, I knew that he was the one she would spend the rest of her life with. 

Deanna and Kevin take care of everyone around them.  They are both so kind and always thinking of other people before themselves.  They are two of the most loyal friends someone could ask for.  They would both drop anything at anytime, day or night, to help out not only friends and family, but anyone that is need of ANYTHING.  If you need a ride to the airport, a birthing coach, someone to help you carry a couch up a couple flights of stairs, a shoulder to cry on, someone to sit and share a smile with, a pep talk or just someone to listen to you no matter what is going on in their own lives, these are the two people you can count on.

It’s amazing that my sister Deanna was able to find someone that is just as giving as she is.  She has always been such a selfless person, always giving to others and thinking about herself last.  She’s been this way since we were kids.  She would volunteer at the local recreation center every summer as a camp councilor instead of enjoying her days at the beach with friends.  When she graduated from college she decided to take a job at a nonprofit organization (even though it meant less in pay) so she could continue to give back to the community.  She encourages the kids she works with on a daily basis to believe in themselves and to have goals.  She inspires them.  She has assisted many of the teens she has worked with applying for scholarships to college, admissions letters etc. Both she and Kevin volunteer nights at a homework support club.  She’s even decided to have their wedding ceremony at a local church (instead of our family’s church the next town over) so “her kids” could come.   

Not only has she always been selfless, but Deanna has always been a hopeless romantic.  From the time we were kids she knew she wanted the fairy tale.  She always envisioned her future husband to be asking our father for her hand in marriage, her dream proposal moment in Disney World in front of Cinderella’s castle with the fireworks in the sky while she said yes.  She’s always known she wanted to have her wedding at Brooksby Farm in the fall with the New England foliage as a breathtaking backdrop to her beautiful day. I always told her I thought her expectations were too high.  “Be realistic” I told her. There was no man that could live up to all of her expectations.  Obviously I had no idea that there was a Kevin out there just waiting for her. 

Kevin made her first wish a reality when he asked my father for her hand in marriage right before he died.  It was one of the last conversations anyone would ever have with him.  I think my father was able to go peacefully knowing his youngest daughter, his baby, would be well taken care of.  Kevin made her next wish come true in November.  Not only did he pull off her dream surprise proposal on a trip to Disney World, but had secretly booked a tour of her dream reception site, Brooksby Farm, for the day they returned from their trip. 

After seeing how much my sister gives to others it’s so wonderful to know she has a man that would give her the world if he could.  There is nothing he wouldn’t do for her and vice versa.  I admire the strengths that they both have individually, but I am in awe of their strength as a couple.  They are one of those rare couples that are not only head over heels in love with each other, but they truly are each other’s best friends and they make an amazing team.   

With Kevin, my sister has found her Prince Charming.  I would love for her to have her fairy tale wedding gown and I’m hoping you’ll consider being her fairy godmother.

If nothing comes out of this contest, I at least have the most beautiful Love Story written out by one of the most amazing people in my life.  I love you Waka!!!

Emotions get the best of me...

So I just dropped off Kevin at darts in Somerville after we worked the homework club.  I don't have time to eat dinner in between working the Club and Homework Club so by now my stomach is making weird noises because I am so hungry.  Its been a long day and I think I should just grab something quick.  I'm right by Wellington Station so I can swing by Kelly's Roast Beef.  Mmmm Kelly's.  For those of you who don't know Kelly's is my weakness.  Fried Clam plate w/onion rings or Kelly's Hot Dogs with ketchup and onions w/ a nicely toasted bun.  I can feel my mouth watering as I approach the drive thru.  I get up to the screen to order and something just snapped in my head....

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?" I said outloud to myself as I slam my foot on my gas pedtal and get myself out of there as quick as I could.  Four months in and the food cravings are just as bad as they were a year ago.  God, I am so mad at myself.  I am literally talking to myself the whole way home like a crazy woman. 

"What were you thinking?"

"What is wrong with you?"

"I hate myself"

Yup, I hope someone out there is laughing because I would be if I didn't happen to be the crazy one. 

This week has further driven the point home that I am without a doubt an emotional eater.  I find comfort in food when I am having a hard time. As most of you know that I am having a really hard time right now by the blog entry of this morning.  Its not just things with my friend, its alot of things that have left me an emotional wreck this week.  Usually, I would go get Kelly's or Sonic or McDonalds or Burger King or Coldstone....the list could go on.  I would eat the biggest, most unhealthy thing on the menu.  After I would eat, I of course would feel lik crap but it was the food....its wasn't me.  I don't know what to do with my emotions now that I can't eat them away.  I can't run my feelings away.  I end up running way faster than I want to and quit running.  I guess walking isn't a bad idea either.  I usually walk with someone but lately I want to walk late at night so I can't do that either. Its a weird feeling not being to get all my emotions out by ordering a super size number 2.  What do I do? Does anyone have any suggestions?

As always I want to try to at least add a positive note to my blog.  I can't do all bad/negative.  I am down to 238 pounds.  I am officially down 44 pounds.  I have been so emotional that I was so scared to look at the scale.  Thank god, I did.  It gave me the light ray of hope I needed on Sunday morning.  Its crazy to think in a few weeks I could be down 50 pounds.  I think once I hit 50 pounds I am going to go out and celebrate with something big.  Not like a dinner but maybe going to go climb Mt. Washington or something like that.  I will take suggestions (and company with me when I do)

“Turns out not where but who you're with that really matters.”

I know lately I haven't been writing.  I could sit here and make up a thousand excuses of why I haven't but I will be truthful with you all mostly because I swore to that I would be.  So here goes...

This week I have watched one of my best friends go through the hardest thing I think she will ever face.  I mean we've been through so much together.  Both of our fathers passing, her wedding, my engagement,college, house hunting, bad boyfriends( I will take credit for that), job searching, hospital trips (she can take credit for that), practices...I mean the list could go on and on and its only been eleven years since she walked into my life and its seemed that no matter what it was, I could make her laugh.  She could make me see the more logical, less dramatic side of things.  I joke with her and say that we are team mates for life but part of me knows how true that statement is: teammates for life.  Its hard to watch her be so strong for herself and her husband and knowing that every inch of her heart is broken.  I admire her strength and courage to face this head on and with no fear.  I've always loved that about her. 

This week ,however, I can't fix this.  I can't say lets go for a late night Walmart trip and then its okay.  There isn't an easy fix and it makes me feel so helpless.  Its a feeling that I know there isn't a cure for and I am just going to have to face the fact that I can't make this better.  I want to.  This is one of these moments in a friendship that you wish you had a fast forward button or skip option.  I'd give everything to make it all just go away.  I've cried to Kevin about it, saying how it just isn't fair because I know thats it not.  Bad things shouldn't happen to good people but yet here it is happening to two of the most caring, selfless people I have ever met.  I just makes me angry.  It makes me sad and its just not fair.  They say everything happens for a reason...well whats this reason? Why them, why now?

    

     The one positive thing I can take from this: I am so damn lucky that I met some of my most incredible friends during my college years.  It just kinda happened right there in the middle of our classes, practices, student activities, dorms,crazy nights, etc...we became our own family.  I reached out to so many of them over the past week to let them know the news. One of the girls, who I haven't seen in six years (since I graduated really) reached out and asked what she could do.  I think she shared the same feeling I did....teammate for life.  No matter what happens, we would and will always have each other backs.  I have another friend who I literally never know where in the WORLD she is BUTTTT I also know that if I needed her she would be on the first plane out from wherever she was.  The same is to be said about my Cali friend(s) and my friend who used to be a party animal and now is the mother of two beautiful boys.  She'd come running as well.  I could go all night with trying to name them all in the blog.  Man, I am so blessed for them.  As much as we all hurt for our friend, I know she feels comfort in knowing we are all there for her.  We'll pick up the pieces with her.  We'll help them move on.  They'll laugh again.  They'll believe again. 

Where in the world do you find one person let alone the hundreds of friends like that? 

I guess admissions knows what they are doing after all. 

“Even though we've changed and we're all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we're not all still friends.”

Slow and steady wins the race

Four months ago I couldn't walk up the stairs without getting winded.  I couldn't button my jeans without two or three attempts.  Dress shopping was a nightmare.  Health wise I was at the bottom of the barrel. 

Its hard to look at yourself at that point and say "How much further down do you want go?" But like I have said time and time again there was a moment where I just couldn't take it anymore.  It was time to get healthy and I think I am well on my way to getting there.

 I didn't win the race but I finished it in 32:21.  I finished 137 out of 170.  There were six years olds that beat me.  I wanted to run it under 30 minutes but I just couldn't do it. I am trying to be okay with the fact that I didn't hit my mark.  I even owe my co worker a lunch because I didn't run the whole time.  I walked twice for about a minute each time and I can say with confidence that is why I didn't hit my 30 minute mark.  I also let myself get really busy the last two weeks leading up to the race and didn't stick to my workout like I should have.  I tried to stay up with my friends who were running in the race as well and I couldn't do it.  There are alot of things I would do differently now looking back at it...

BLAH!!!!

Are you all done with reading this pity party as I am done writing it?  I don't really care if people thought my time was slow or I walked for a minute or two.  I don't really care that there were people who ran it about 15 minutes faster than me. So what? I did it.  I ran a road race.  Something so small but just four months ago was impossible.  There are so many things that people who are not over weight or who are in great shape take for granted.  I can't do that anymore.  Each new thing that I accomplish is just another that I wouldn't have been able to months ago.  This whole transformation or journey has been hard.  I am just now starting to see the results of my work.  Pant fit much better, people are saying how great I look, stairs aren't as bad...As amazing as it all is I know that the journey is not anywhere close to being finished.  If I were to compare it to a marathon I am about 1/4 of the way in with the finish line nowhere close.  I am not completely sure how I feel about it either.  I am scared that I can't keep it up.  I am confident that since I have gone this far, I can go the distance.  There is a lot I don't know yet.  Time will tell just how far this journey will go.

I do know that I am not doing this alone.  I have the most incredible support group made up of my future husband, family, friends and followers of my blog.  I received so many sweet and thoughtful messages before and after the race.  I never thought that people would care as much as they did about my journey but they do.  I can't believe the people who came out to race with me.  They all knew that I may not be able to keep up with them but it was important to me enough to me that they doing it with me.  Jillian and her husband drove up from the Cape just for the race.  Vicki, her girlfriend and a two friends ran in the race and then headed up to participate in the bike ride part of thethe Epic Man challenge (Participants start off the coast of Maine, kayak to New Hampshire, then bike ride to the start of the Marathon from New Hampshire and then run the Boston Marathon. INSANE) Kenny ran the race and finished just shy of 20 minutes.  He was even mad at himself that he didn't know that he was that close to the finish and would have pushed himself more if he had even known the finish line was as close as it was.  And finally Chris Lopes (court's husband) ran the race on no sleep because he was on call ALL night.  INCREDIBLE! They are truly incredible people.  *A special thanks to Ali Fornash who was supposed to run the race but day of could not make it.  Her own journey of racing, eating healthy and blogging has been such an inspiration to me that I know that she would have been there if she could.*




Then there was the ones that stood at the finish line.  The roar of the my own personal crowd as I crossed the finish line was incredible. 

I am so lucky to have these people in my life.  To them this road race wasn't something they HAD to go to, they all wanted to be there.  Geraldine even came to the race with my bucket list on a big poster board so I could check off "run a road race" off my list.   They have been the ones (well not the only ones.  "Team Dee" has many members) asking about the weight loss, going for runs/walks with me, calling me on Sunday mornings to get my weigh ins, cheering me along, going with me to Bigges Loser Tryouts, wedding appointments, wedding shows...EVERYTHING. You need supportive people like this in your life.  The type of people who go out of their way for you just because they know when they need it, you'll do the same.  These types of friends/family are hard to find but so important to have.  Success is is still a success but not as sweet when its not shared with the ones that get you there.

So a big "Yessah Buddy Boy" to me as I cross something off my list and continue on to the finish line of the Skinny Bride journey.

Buckets for Joe

I wrote the following Note on facebook about two weeks after my dad died and I thought I would share it with all of you. 

(February 20, 2010)
Hi all,
I first want to thank you all for being for me during the worst time in my life. Its been so overwhelming the amount of support you have all showed me. My father lived every day to the fullest and died with no regrets. I am inspired by his life and want to share that inspiration with you all.

I want you to start your own "Bucket List" (the list of things you want to do before you kick the bucket.) So I ask you to start your own Bucket List and share it with friends, Family, co-workers, whoever you feel would be a great support for you. Have a Bucket Party....have everyone in your support group in one place. This could be something so powerful.

From some of us 09' and 10' has been an amazing year(s) for some us they have been the worst on record. Why not continue the good and change the bad. Half of the reason why we don't finish things on our list is cause we don't say them out loud or take the time out of our lives to really pay attention to the things we really want.

I was talking to a woman today who said her father in law spent his whole life working and right before he retired he bought a RV to take trips in. He was supposed to retire on a Friday and start his new life but died on a Monday. I don't want to be this gentleman and neither do you.

So I ask you to start your own Bucket List and share it with friends, Family, co-workers, whoever you feel would be a great support for you.

Help me turn something so awful into something positive and help the memory/life of my father live on.

Pass this on

So here goes...

Go to New York City in all four seasons
own a brand new car
Get married
own a German Shepard
Go to key west
go to a red sox vs. yankee game
Run a road race
get a talent that I could use in a talent show
be in a hall of fame
help 100 kids get into college
be able to chug a beer
watch a baby being born
be a godmother
get another tattoo
go white water rafting
Drink around the world in epcot
Get on Tv with a Rem Dawg sign
Go to Vegas
Turn 30 gracefully
Drink in the same pub my dad and Eddie did in Ireland and left his patch
Drink a really expensive drink at the Ritz in Naples Florida
Dip my toes in the pacific ocean
be able to change a diaper without almost getting sick
have children
Catch the big one on Mel's trip
live by the ocean
watch a beautiful sunrise/sunset
Do my 15th year at Relay for Life
Drive on Rt 66
Go to Hershey Park
See the Grand Canyon
Have a picnic in the same park as The Tanner Family in the Opening of Full House
Go to the Olympics
meet a president
run the Disney half marathon
loose 100 pounds
learn another language
Go to the Rock and Roll hall of fame
See the falls
Catch a few beads down at Mardi Gras
Go to Alaska
own a home
look fabulous in a wedding dress
Ride the Frisbee at Canobie Lake Park
Ride all the rides at Six Flags
Get a green light on the harry potter ride
drive my own jet ski or snow mobile at a normal speed
Never be too busy to go on a Nardone Adventure
get over my fear of heights
climb at least 1 major mountain in each New England State
go on a family vacation with ALL my sisters.....
have all my sisters/friends stop smoking
go somewhere that has a lazy river where I can drink
Do the Cliff walk in Newport in RI and Maine
get engaged with the perfect story (As I re-read to Kevin he said CHECK)
(SO MUCH MORE)

I am sad to report that I haven't done much off my list of things to do in my life.  As motivated as I was when I first wrote that note, I somehow lost steam behind it.  I need to more than ever start crossing this stuff off my list off my bucket list.  So I am throwing out a challenge to all my followers...help me cross something off my list.  I am serious.  If you can't help me cross things off my list, make your own list and share it with someone else.  I think if we all took a minute and really thought about what we want to do with our lives and actually went out and did it, the world could be a better place.  Corny? Yes! If it wasn't corny, it wouldn't be my style.

I hopefully will finish the race Sunday and get to say check one more thing....can you say the same?