Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Cry me a river

Currently, I am sitting on my couch watching the Biggest Loser Season 12 opener.  For those who don't know when I first started this journey, I was given the opportunity to try out for the Biggest Losere. If I made it this would have been the Season that I would have been on. At first, I thought I was not going to watch it.  I didnt want to feel like a bigger failure not making it on the show and not having hit a weight loss goal in a long time.  Something told me I had to put it on and I am so glad that I did. Watching these contestants struggle during their first workouts brings me back to January when I started this whole thing.  I was like them.  I couldn't climb stairs without loosing my breath.  I couldn't run for more than 30 seconds at a time.  I was a 282 pound woman nearing 300 pounds rapidly.   I know exactly where these people have been because I was there....and still am.


In case you needed a visual

As each contestant tells their story, I cry. I mean full out huge tears.   As I am wiping my face, I am getting even more upset with myself for not wearing water proof mascara.  I got up to look at myself in the mirror and I look like LC for The Hills.  I also broke down when one of the contestants lost her father to conjestive heart failure.  She said one of the biggest reasons why she was on the show was so she wouldn't end up like her dad and that was what she said during her interview.  It hit so close to home for me because like Becky, I don't want to end up like my father. I want a full healthy life. 

At this point I am thankful that its Kevin's dart night so I can have this emotional breakdown without the "Jesus why are you crying NOW" comments.  Its just a wave of emotion that is taking over me right now.  I am happy that I am not where these people are but I am mad that I could be so much further along in this journey.   I have to do better and be better for alot of reasons but mostly I have to keep moving forward.   I maintaned this summer.  Great.  Summer is over.  This wedding is getting closer (391 days whose counting.) My endline is coming closer and I am not even halfway there yet.  So here I am again.  Restarting this journey with a renewed faith in myself and my goal of becoming a skinny bride for my October 2012 wedding. Along the way I will be sharing my ups and downs about planning my wedding and changing my unhealthy lifestyle. 
 
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3 comments:

  1. AnonymousSeptember 21, 2011 at 10:06 PM

    Don't be down on yourself at ALL!!! You have lost a good amount of weight and kept it off all summer long! More than many people can say, promise you that. The more people realize that you WILL have your ups and downs, the more realistic and attainable your goals will be. You have done WONDERFULLY and there's no doubt in my mind you will reach goal in plenty of time for your special day. I'm here for support always. Keep up the tremendous work and keep blogging...I love following you on this journey and when you DO reach goal, we will celebrate HARD :) love ya! -Linds C

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  2. AnonymousSeptember 22, 2011 at 5:38 AM

    Your blog is the only one I read, and I love it! Keep up the great work! I don't want to sound cheesy, but "you can do it!". Okay I failed, I was never any good at humor anyways. You get my drift... hopefully

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  3. allisonSeptember 22, 2011 at 8:22 AM

    the most important part is that you're not giving up. every little slip up is not an excuse to stop working for it. i have to tell myself this almost every day when find myself eating nutella from a spoon!
    love you!

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