90 days to beautiful

I don't know when my obsession with weddings started.  I think I can blame it on my sister Christine.  I was the flower girl in her wedding when I was five years old.  She had this huge wedding with all our family, friends.  I remember staying up most of the night dancing the night away right along with the rest of my sisters and my dad.  She had this huge beautiful dress with a cascading bouquet of flowers that I swear went all the way to the ground.  Her dress had these enormous shoulders that puffed up as high as her cheekbones.  Long, lacy sleeves.  A skirt that flowed out like Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty.  Looking back it reminds me of Princess Di's dress.  (Give her a break it was the 80's and certainly in style.)Being so young I can remember just being in awe of the way she looked and more importantly I was in awe of the entire wedding.  I knew than from that day on  that I wanted to have a day just like it. 

Flash forward 25 years later  and 25 weddings attended while dating Kevin,  I am planning my own special day.  As must of you know one of the most important moments is going to be stepping into that dress and turning around, seeing myself in that mirror for the first time.  I have envisioned the whole thing.  The people around me, the dress, the moment and its all coming so soon.  I am in a panic to think I am going to turn around and not like what I see: a woman standing there in the mirror who looks nothing like the woman I dreamed of 25 years ago. 

So I've set myself up with a 90 day deadline.  Yup I have given myself a deadline now.  In 90 days I am going try on dresses for the first time.  I have been to David's Bridal with the girls looking for dresses and each time I have made my way over to the wedding gown section and just looked.  The women that work there always ask...

 "Do you want to try something on?"

"No no no not yet!"  I say like its the worst thing they could have suggested to me.  Like they were handing me a bowl of Brussels sprouts.  I mean really most girls would jump at a chance to try on dresses. If you asked me five years ago I would have tackled someone to get to try on a dress.  Now its one of the scariest things I can imagine. But I gotta have faith that I'll make it through the next 90 days and reach another milestone.  Its gonna be hard.  Thanksgiving, my birthday, the holidays and the anniversary of my dad's passing.  Its going to be the hardest 90 days of this journey but I gotta strive, I gotta push and be that woman in the dreams of that wide eyed 5 year old Deanna. 

Update: I did loose 3lbs over the last week and half and I haven't done anything close to what I am capable of.  So move outta my way the pain train is pulling into a station near you! (So stupid but hey whatever works right?)

Like father like daughter...

A couple of weeks ago I got a message from an old friend and teammate  asking the "where the HELL is your blog"  I had to laugh because she perferenced the message with saying that she was channeling her father when she said it.  Her father was an old coach of mine from growing up and when I re-read that sentence it was like I could hear him saying it.  He always pushed me to do things that I didn't think I could do.  I will never forget the day he threw me in goal for the first time indoor soccer.  I was in 8th grade and had only really played foward/striker up until that point.  I remember looking at him being like "Are you serious?"  He looked at me and said "I think you're crazy enough to do it" And he was right, like almost always he was.  (I would never admit that to him lol)  He took so much time with me when I made the switch from forward to goalie firing soccer balls at my face, kicking balls at me while standing two feet away, telling me to suck it up when I would get the wind knocked out of me.  He was hard on me but always had a high five and a "good job kiddo" at the end of the of practice. 

He also taught me a hard lesson that I have carried with me for a long time.  It was an early morning game back in 8th grade and there had been a dance the night before.  All of us were exhausted and kind of cranky.  I, like most of my teammates, were complaining how early it was to play a soccer game and how we didn't want to play.  Well Mr. Oliver and Mr. Kiely were not happy at all to hear that in fact they came over really pissed off.  Mr.Oliver came over and talked to us about how he was picking the people who were leaders each game to be the captains for the day.  He also went on about how dissappointed he was in us that we were complaining about playing and if we didn't want to play our parents were across the field and we could have them drive us home.  He picked his three captains and of course I wasn't one of them.  As we walked to the sideline he stopped me and said "Dee you would have been one of those people.  You are always a leader.  You are always focused but today you let me down.  Get your head in the game and lets play."  Wow! I remember those words refocused me and got me ready for my game.  I NEVER wanted to let him down like that ever again. I had to show up to each and every game game ready. 

Its funny to think about this "lesson" now and compare it to my weight loss journey.  I have certainly complained alot about how hard this is and I let myself down about the lack of progress over the last few months.  Mr.Oliver was right.  I am a leader and I need to refocus my efforts.  I need to approach my journey in game mode with my game face on. (insert other cheezy quote here) I want to purchase my wedding dress in February so I will need all "the coaches" I can get.  So thank you Katie for reaching out and reminding me that I needed to get back into game.  I appreciate you being a constant supporter and a great friend. 

Ps. (Ky & Mauren I appreciate the messages about the blog as well)

There's gotta be something more...

"Where have you been?"

"Whats going on with the Blog?"

"How is your journey going?"

"Have you gotten your dress?"

Let me catch you up to speed on whats been going on in my life since I last wrote...

For starters my exercise has gone down dramatically since I changed my schedule back to working nights.  You would think I would be able to get rolling in the morning and start my day off with a good workout.  It doesn't happen at all. Lately, I have been waking up out of my bed and moving myself right to my couch.  I stay on the couch till the very last minute I have to get ready for work and then I rush myself to get to work at 11am or 1pm.  Its kinda pathetic that I tell myself I can't find time to exercise when I have all morning to do it.  I'm angry at myself for being so lazy. 

I have started drinking soda again. I find myself really tired so I grab a coke zero and throw it back to get some caffeine in me.  I remember how hard it was to kick the soda habit back when I started this journey and now I am back to my one coke in the afternoon habit.  Its gross.  I can feel the way it affects my body.  I am not drinking enough water and my body is screaming at me about it.  I woke up the other night with one of those leg cramps you get when you are dehydrated.   I am sure when I say one of "THOSE" leg cramps someone out there knows what I am talking about.  It feels like my muscle is tearing away from the bone and my leg is going to burst from the spasm.  I can still feel 3 days later.  Ouch!

At home I am sure most of you read that Kevin's dad died.  We've been doing alot of running around so planning meals has been thrown out the window.  Many fast food trips to get something quick.  I can't even blame Kevin cause he isn't eating much. He isn't talking much. He's doing alot of putting on a strong face in front of everyone else and a lot of hurting at home.  People who know me know that I wear everything on my sleeve so when my partner in life handles things the complete opposite it leaves me feeling like I should be doing so much more...I didn't go on my trip to California because of the services and wanting to be there for my in-laws.  There was no question in my head of where I should have been.  Some people have asked me why I didn't at least go for the last part of the week or still go at all? I couldn't believe it when people even suggested it.  Kevin was a rock when my dad passed and even though he doesn't "need" me, I had to be there in case he did. 

So now I am left feeling like I need something more.  More exercise, more water, more dedication, more time for myself, more determination, more ANYTHING.

Anyone know where I can find it?

“The only real failure in life is the failure to try.”



Just try it

So as promised I got back on the sattle again! I had such a great success with the Couch to 5k program that I thought why not do it again.  I got my gym bag ready, sporty outfit on, hair in a perfect workout pony tail (yes sometimes my work out mood can and is determined by my ponytail.  Don't judge.) And I headed off to the Boys & Girls Club.  In order to save money for the wedding I have chosen to use the Club gym as my gym of choice.  For my wallet this is a great idea but for my workouts, it can be a little tough.  Imagine putting a treadmil in the middle of your office and trying to workout.  Parents and kids everywhere.  Someone always there to have a converstation with.  I bet you understand a little more what I mean when you invision yourself working out where you work. 

Today, however, I made eye contact with as few people as possible as I entered the building.  I only made some form of communication with my friend Kim as she worked the front desk.  I am glad that she understood my almost military like hand signals that I was going up to the gym and that I'd talk to her (and everyone else) I put my head down and made it to the gym succesfully without talking to a single sole.  I began my workout and couldn't believe how great it felt.  I had debated starting the C25k program halfway thru but I said to myself you have to build a base of success in order to achieve your goals.  In other words baby steps. 

In the program the first week starts out with 20 minute workout where you jog for 60 seconds and then walk for 90 seconds.  I started out going 6.0 for jogging and then brought it down to 3.5 for my walks.  When I went to go back to a run, I slipped up and went 6.5.  I thought in that split second "just try it"  Success.  I walked.  Time to jog again.  My fingers hit the speed up to 6.7.  Again, I was like "just try it" This happened a few more times until I was at 7.5 speed for the day.  I'm not sure what a fast speed is on the treadmil, I'm sure I sound like a total turtle but I was so proud of myself.  All those feelings of success came flooding back to me.  It felt great. And I am hooked again.  YESSAH BUDDY BOY!

With that said I am challenging any of my followers that have not done a 5k to start training this week or next week. I will find a race for us to run in or we can just go for our own run.  I want other people that have said they can't to "just try it" and see what happens.  Make a pledge to join my "team" of runners as we get healthy and back on track.  Whose with me?

Cry me a river

Currently, I am sitting on my couch watching the Biggest Loser Season 12 opener.  For those who don't know when I first started this journey, I was given the opportunity to try out for the Biggest Losere. If I made it this would have been the Season that I would have been on. At first, I thought I was not going to watch it.  I didnt want to feel like a bigger failure not making it on the show and not having hit a weight loss goal in a long time.  Something told me I had to put it on and I am so glad that I did. Watching these contestants struggle during their first workouts brings me back to January when I started this whole thing.  I was like them.  I couldn't climb stairs without loosing my breath.  I couldn't run for more than 30 seconds at a time.  I was a 282 pound woman nearing 300 pounds rapidly.   I know exactly where these people have been because I was there....and still am.



In case you needed a visual



As each contestant tells their story, I cry. I mean full out huge tears.   As I am wiping my face, I am getting even more upset with myself for not wearing water proof mascara.  I got up to look at myself in the mirror and I look like LC for The Hills.  I also broke down when one of the contestants lost her father to conjestive heart failure.  She said one of the biggest reasons why she was on the show was so she wouldn't end up like her dad and that was what she said during her interview.  It hit so close to home for me because like Becky, I don't want to end up like my father. I want a full healthy life. 

At this point I am thankful that its Kevin's dart night so I can have this emotional breakdown without the "Jesus why are you crying NOW" comments.  Its just a wave of emotion that is taking over me right now.  I am happy that I am not where these people are but I am mad that I could be so much further along in this journey.   I have to do better and be better for alot of reasons but mostly I have to keep moving forward.   I maintaned this summer.  Great.  Summer is over.  This wedding is getting closer (391 days whose counting.) My endline is coming closer and I am not even halfway there yet.  So here I am again.  Restarting this journey with a renewed faith in myself and my goal of becoming a skinny bride for my October 2012 wedding. Along the way I will be sharing my ups and downs about planning my wedding and changing my unhealthy lifestyle. 

 

Mulligans

Kevin and I have been fighting.  Yes, fighting about every little thing on the face of the planet.  I'm sure if you have been around us lately you've seen it or heard the ridiculousness

" The girls should have two straps or no straps for their dresses" - Kevin

" Are you kidding me? You don't care about anything about the wedding but you care about their straps" - Dee

"Yes" - Kevin

"Well thats just dumb and they are getting whatever they want" -Dee

" Our XBOX got red ring...we need to get a new one" - Kevin

" Seriously? We have a wedding to pay for and you care about XBOX? You don't care about the wedding.  You don't care to be in this relationship.  Why are we getting married?" -Dee (thats the cliffnotes version of that fight.  Amanda Poste has a recording via a butt dial if you would like to hear the real fight)

Oh yes. We have reached that point in our relationship and in wedding planning that we are totally stressed out.  Well me more than him but if everyone knows us then then know if I am stressed out, Kevin is stressed out.  I know you all are going to read this and tell me that I need to just remember its one day and so forth.  I can't help that I worry about every little detail.  I keep thinking and rethinking every idea that I have.  Of course Kevin's response to everything is... "Whatever you want Dee"    I have grown to hate that statement.  It just means that whatever choice has to be made, its made by me.  If it doesn't work out.  Its Dee's fault.  Not our fault.  Again, I know most men don't help with wedding planning so I shouldn't get worked up but I'm just stressed out...

So to say that today was a much needed "date day" would be an understatement We call the rare days we have off together and have nothing to do, date day.  Today's date day took us up to Brooksby Farm (the place where we are having a reception.) We brought a picnic lunch up there and sat out by the farm stand and ate.  We talked about all the things we were excited about for the wedding. We laughed and smiled a bit.  He made fun of me when I said I wanted to have a hayrides for our guests.  Looking back on it now, its kinda over the top, like he said.  We then went shopping inside the farm stand for fresh fruits and veggies.  We picked up some yummy things for our kitchen.  We even picked up some cider donuts, a favorite of ours.

After our great lunch we made our way to where we had our first date, Richardson's Ice Cream/Golf Country.  The first time we went there I came out the victor.  I expected the same result to happen again.  I was wrong.  Very wrong.  I was down by 14 and I hit the ball a little harder than I should.  I guess you could call it pouting.  The ball went flying into the water way.  I chased it down and thought I saved it but it by me before I could pick it up.  The water was moving rather quickly and it seemed my efforts were a lost cause.Then out of the corner of my eye I see Kevin leaping over the stone bridge and onto the next hole.  He then threw himself down (kinda looked like a belly flop) and got to the ball just in time before it went into the little pond of lost balls.  He held it up victorious...

"We'll call that one a mulligan"  He said with a wink with soaking wet left pant leg from his adventure.  

Some how over the next few holes I caught up to just five strokes behind.  I know that he missed very easy shots especially on the last hole.  I got a hole in one while he somehow got a six.  He swears he doesn't know what happen to him on the last hole but I know he was just being sweet.   He is just that kind of guy.  He does little things to make me smile.  He may not be an overly romantic, flower buying, expensive dinner kind of guy.  He may not be the 'I like this centerpiece more than that one', let me help you make this choice for the wedding, kind of guy.  He is ,however, the guy who will give me a mulligan when I clearly don't deserve it.  When I look back years from now its going to be those things that make me remember why I love him.  And I'll be one happy girl. 

Not so sweet summertime.

This summer got the best of me....

I didn't really loose this summer or gain this summer...

I haven't written in my blog in weeks...

I am feeling like a slacker.

There I said it. All the things I avoided saying to you all that have been following this journey.  Its not easy being able to say you failed especially to the world but I had to say it.  Many people hide from failure.  I know I do.  I hate saying to you all that the Skinny Bride fell off the wagon a bit. I can say just a bit because I did wake up twice a week and do bootcamp (thank god.)  I didn't know how to put it out there that the "motivated one" wasn't so motivated anymore.  Everyone kept telling me I have all this time to my wedding to stop worrying about the little details but folks we are getting close to the year mark and I know its time to really buckle down. The little detail of my not so little body is a huge deal to me.  I have basically until February to order my dress.  6 months! Its time to turn it up, burn it up and get this body to wear it needs to be. 

Looking to start a walking group, a challenge of some sort with friends...I don't know something to get other people motivated along with me.  Anyone have any suggestions or want to join me?

It's go time people...


ps. so proud of Lauren Puff for starting her own Blog even thought she hasn't shared it with the world yet.  Its witty, funny and honest.  Can't wait to read more.  (Yea I called you out)